Video emerged on Tuesday morning of Kelly Olynyk of the Boston Celtics trying to eat an entire burrito in four bites. He failed, but I was convinced I could succeed. Burritos are great. They’re objectively one of the best foods in the world. Now I sit here, a shattered man, not sure when I can face another burrito again.
I tried to eat a burrito in 4 bites like Kelly Olynyk and got rice in my lung
No no no no no no.
James Dator has been covering a wide range of sports for SB Nation for over a decade, with a special focus on the NFL.
I couldn’t be sure what was in Olynyk’s burrito, so I guesstimated and got pretty much everything. There was one wrinkle I added and didn’t tell the team here at SB Nation: I was making it the spiciest possible burrito the fine people at my local establishment could create. Here is the ingredients list:
- Chipotle tortilla
- Rice
- Black Beans
- Spicy Chicken (cooked in Chipotle)
- Onions
- Green Peppers
- Cilantro
- Fresh Jalapeno
- Guacamole
- Sour Cream
- Cheese
- THREE TIMES THE HOT SAUCE THEY NORMALLY PUT ON A BURRITO
My kitchen scale told me this beast weighed 1.476 pounds. Let’s do this.
I don’t feel good. It’s not a pukey feeling, because I’ve eaten burritos before. It’s this weird churning -- which is probably from all the hot sauce. I probably swallowed a ton of air, which is prompting a lot of burping. Each time I burp it tastes like hot sauce.
Ugh.
Okay, well let’s focus on the positives:
1. I finished lunch in five minutes. That’s efficiency.
2. I’m reasonably certain I did a better job than Kelly Olynyk.
3. I got all my food groups in and won’t eat for the rest of the day.
I want you to take the Kelly Olynyk four-bite burrito challenge and share your experience with us. We are not responsible if you do and die. Please don’t die. We’ve grown attached to you.
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SB Nation video archives: The amateur in a hot dog eating competition (2012)
