I tried to blow my student loan money on a piece of the Aggro Crag from ‘Guts’

No good decisions are made at 3 a.m. after a night of drinking. None. If the worst thing I ever did was almost lose $800 in student loan money by bidding on a piece of the Aggro Crag, well, in a macro sense I suppose I did okay. Nonetheless it was a terrifying three days.

A monthly tradition at my apartment in college was watching UFC. This fight was going to be great: Matt Hughes vs. Georges St. Pierre, UFC 65. I had to work until 10 p.m., but it was okay -- my friends were going to wait and watch it with me. They were cool like that. Unbeknownst to me they had been drinking since mid-afternoon, and even less known to me was their plan to get me “caught up.” I walked through the door after a long day and I was greeted with four things: A video camera in my face, a beer bong and two 64-ounce growlers of beer.

It’s at this point I should explain the camera. We’ll call my friends by their nicknames, because they’re grown-ass men with families now. Swizzle and Da Viking had a penchant for recording their drunken escapades on video and editing them together into a series they called Party Smart. Both were film majors in college and Party Smart was their magnum opus. Tonight they were recording. Both were older than me and way cooler than me -- so peer pressure caused me to drink both growlers and 15 minutes later 128 ounces of seven percent Oktoberfest were in my stomach. Everything felt fine until about an hour later.

I don’t remember the fight. I don’t remember much of the night. I remember making Ramen noodles with Milwaukee’s Best beer and passing out on the sofa around 4 a.m. -- while Swizzle and Da Viking were playing Halo and still drinking.

I woke up the next afternoon and Swizzle was already wearing his New England gear and watching the Pats. A New Hampshire native, he was deeply into his team and I was astonished he felt none of the effects from the previous night. “As soon as the game’s over we’re watching Party Smart,” he said. “Dude ... you were absolutely hilarious.”

The shaky video looked like something out of a found-footage horror movie. The camera listed from side-to-side as if filmed on a boat. At one point in time I was singing the Canadian national anthem, presumably in support of GSP, but late in the video I became obsessed with Guts, Nickelodeon Guts. The athletically perfect show that was two parts Nerf and one part the Olympics. “I wish I could have been on Guts,” I squawked on tape. “I couldn’t though because I lived in Australia. That’s discrimination!”

He fast-forwarded the video 30 minutes and I was still talking about Guts, then he went forward another 25 -- still talking about Guts. In total I had talked about Guts for one hour and 27 minutes before walking to the computer in the corner of our living room, logging onto eBay and finding a piece of the Aggro Crag for $800.

“There are seven bids! I need this!” The video capturing every moment of my bad decision. Da Viking chimed in, “James, don’t do it bro. Think on it. At least until the morning.”

“TOO LATE!” I yelled, triumphantly clicking the mouse in an exaggerated way.

Back on the sofa that Sunday afternoon I was laughing, but it hadn’t really sunk in yet. That $800 was my left over student loan money. It was for books, and my parking pass and all the incidentals I’d need for the year. It was all locked up in eBay and this was at a time where it was near-impossible to revoke a bid. I was locked in.

I freaked out for the next three days. Furiously checking eBay every few hours hoping I was outbid, while trying to come up with contingency plans for how I would handle an $800 deficit. Perhaps I could photocopy a few books, only eat lunch every other day and park a few miles from school and walk. That could work, right? I knew it wouldn’t. At least I’d have a piece of the Aggro Crag, I thought. This isn’t something a lot of people can say they have.

Ten minutes before leaving the house for work I checked one last time. “You are no longer the highest bidder.” It couldn’t be true, could it? Mouth agape I checked the listing and sure enough there it was, $835. It sold the next day and my semester was saved. It remains both one of my stupidest drunken moments, and also something I still check eBay occasionally for to this day -- because having a piece of the Aggro Crag would be dope.

Three days later a package arrived at our door. Swizzle had bid on (and won) $275 in antique German beer steins.