Meet the man who wants you to suck booze from a cool baby’s head
James Dator has been covering a wide range of sports for SB Nation for over a decade, with a special focus on the NFL.
Simon Philion is the creator, inventor, auteur and genius behind “The Cool Baby.” It’s the weirdest way to try and smuggle beverages where they’re not permitted: Inside a prosthetic infant. SBNation.com caught up with Simon to ask him about his inspiration, and what people should suck from a baby’s head.
SB Nation: Why a baby?
Simon Philion: The baby-as-drink-vessel happened because it would be super weird to use anything else in a front-mounted baby harness. Ideally, the product would be The Cool Manatee. But folks don’t traditionally strap manatees to their chests. Thanks for the idea, by the way. I’m now 100 percent going to make a Cool Manatee.
Have you ever used the prototype in public?
I’ve worn it in public and carried it around some.The prototype body is 3D printed so anything you put inside it tastes horrible. Generally, people either laugh, get mad, get uncomfortable, or mistakenly offer me their seat on the subway.
Imagine you’re at a game and security wants to check your cool baby to ensure it’s real. How do you handle the situation?
Well before anything, dress the baby up in your team’s gear. Long sleeves, pants, hat. On your way past security, walk gingerly and whisper, like you’re keeping the baby asleep. If anyone reaches for the baby, cup the back of the baby’s head, rock, furrow your brow and insist they “please don’t wake the baby.” If they persist, get over-the-top protective. Flip out. Let your maternal instincts take over.
At the $8,000 backer level you have an option to have a personalized “Cool Baby.” If you could pick anyone to make one of, who would it be and why?
The director David Lynch. Then I’d make an even smaller David Lynch Cool Baby to strap onto the front of the David Lynch Cool Baby, thus achieving a crazy, hydrated Russian doll scenario that would echo throughout eternity.
You’re forced to only put one beverage in your baby forever. What is it?
Beet juice. Think about it.
Assuming “The Cool Baby” gets funded, what’s next? Any plans to fill anything else with liquid?
Oh I have stacks of ideas. If Cool Baby gets funded expect to see a lot more things that make you feel OK being creeped out.
Who’s your favorite sports team, if you have one?
I grew a half hour north of Boston. Patriot fandom is unavoidable. I also enjoy New Zealand’s rugby team. Watch their Haka dance when you get a chance.
Which historical figure do you think is most likely to use “The Cool Baby”?
George F****** Washington. America’s parent.
★★★
Simon tells us that if “The Cool Baby” is funded he plans to host a bar crawl in several cities across America. He says he wants to see:
“Hundreds of people wearing Cool Babies, finding their soul mates.”
In addition he has a plan to help give some of the money raised for “The Cool Baby” to charity, if the product if funded.
“The Cool Baby” is available to be backed on Kickstarter now, and is running until Feb. 27.
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