I ate every chip from Dale Earnhardt Jr.‘s snack foods line

Did you know that Dale Earnhardt Jr. has a line of foods? I didn’t either, until I saw a special display at my local Ralph’s. As of right now, the line is limited to potato chips, but who knows what tasty treats the future holds? Dale Jr. Foods is produced by KLN Family Brands, which also offers items like LARRY THE CABLE GUY CHIPS. But we’re here to talk about Dale Jr.‘s chips. So let’s get to snackin’.

Every bag of Dale Jr. chips comes with a heartfelt statement about racing and brands, signed by the Junior himself.

”Of the things that make me the most proud, my family heritage tops the list. It’s something I carry with me every time I race, as I’m a third-generation driver in a family forever connected with stock-car racing. Some families were orn to be farmers, doctors, miners, or lawyers.

My family was born to race.

Knowing the importance of family, it’s only fitting I align myself with people who share those same values. That is why KLN Family Brands is a natural fit for me. Down-home goodness with a sense of community and kinship, KLN Family Brands brings generations of knowledge and passion to its products, always taking lessons from the past to make a better future. In other words this is what KLN Family Brands was born to do. And that is something an Earnhardt can appreciate.”

All four types of chips have the same nutritional information, which seems suspect, but the craziest thing is that all of these claim to be three serving sizes per bag. They all seem like MAYBE two servings, tops, but these are very small and light bags of chips. Plenty of sodium, though. That’s good.

Tastes Like: Bland-ass potato chips. Not as greasy as Lay’s, not as crunchy as kettle chips. They’re maybe the most generic potato chips I’ve ever eaten. And I’ve eaten a lot of potato chips.

Is it NASCAR-level exciting? It’s not even as exciting as the pace car laps. It’s not as exciting as racing under caution. It’s barely as exciting as the national anthem.

Better name: SLAMMIN SUPERCHARGED SEA SALT

Tastes Like: These bad boys are liberally -- and I mean liberally -- coated in the “Barbeque” [sic] dust. The flavoring is strong and actually tastes a lot more like ketchup-flavored potato chips than traditional BBQ chips. Surprisingly, that’s not a bad thing. These chips get better the more you eat and have a surprisingly powerful zing in the aftertaste.

Is it NASCAR-level exciting? They’re as exciting as the middle laps. The ones where no moves happen. These are solid chips. NASCAR wouldn’t be embarrassed to have their name on them. (Looking at you here, Crispy Original.)

Better name: HIGH OCTANE BBQ BURNOUT

Tastes Like: This is a weird one. It’s definitely interesting, tasting like something you might find in a Zapp’s bag, yet has less kick than the Carolina Barbeque. It’s not a bad taste by any means, but is so subtle that you mostly keep eating to try and figure out what it tastes like. And then you realize it’s pretty boring.

Is it NASCAR-level exciting? Not gonna lie: no. No, it isn’t.

Better name: CRANKIN CAJUN CRANKCASE CRUNCH

Tastes Like: This is the one I wasn’t looking forward to, since I don’t really like jalapeños normally, nor have I ever tried jalapeño-flavored chips before. They definitely taste like jalapeño, but in the same way “Cool Ranch” chips taste like Ranch. These also have, by far, the most kick of any of the four chips, actually necessitating a break or a beverage after each half-dozen chips. The crunch on all four of these flavors could still use some work, but if you’re going to pick up a bag, I think Zesty Jalapeno is the winner.

Is it NASCAR-level exciting? Maybe not as exciting as the checkered flag, but definitely as exciting as the start of a race.

Better name: JAMMIN JALAPENO FIRE EXPLOSION

A couple takeaways, here. Firstly, don’t ever eat all four types of Dale Jr. chips in one go. It’s not recommended and is solely for professionals. Secondly, if you’re not going to do anything at all special with your plain potato chips -- like, if you’re not even going to bother giving them ridges or kettle-cooking them or anything -- don’t even bother. At all. Don’t make plain potato chips, new potato chip makers.

Lastly, you drive a freakin’ race car. Come up with some exciting names for your products. Now hurry up and get started on making Dale Jr. BLAZIN BRAKEPAD BEEF BITES and I’ll see you then.