The most boring basketball game of all time ended 2-0

There are certain high school basketball coaches in America right now that are hell-bent on corrupting our youth and being as un-American as possible. A recent game between two Alabama high schools — Bibb County and Brookwood — ended in a heart-racing, emotional roller-coaster ride of 2-0 to Bibb County:

That’s two, like the peace sign, the peace sign everyone in the audience should have thrown up as they all stormed out that gym. The game ties the record for the lowest-scoring game of all time, which is crazy because that’s the score of what would be considered an intense soccer match. The last basketball game that ended 2-0 happened in 1977.

You know what happened in 1977? The Raiders beat the Vikings 32-14 to win the Super Bowl. This game literally bored the world back to a time when the Raiders were winning things. Another thing that happened? Snow fell for the first time ever in Miami, Fla. That game shares the record with a game that occurred in a time when the world was losing its mind. The amazing part is that the game in 1977 happened on Feb. 1, and I’m no scientist but you add in leap years and narratives and I’m claiming that we’re just all stuck in 1977 again.

So what happened with the game is basically that there was no shot clock — very anti-America but whatever. This meant that after Bibb County scored in the first 15 seconds of the game, both teams found the spirit of fun dancing in the meadows of freedom and strangled her to death. Brookwood held the ball the entire first quarter and only took a shot at the buzzer. That’s Brookwood, the team that was down 2-0, who decided to model their game after a hungover J.R Smith.

Then came the second quarter where Brookwood got in a huddle, fired each other up and proceeded to read out the pre-flight safety instructions by holding the ball again for the entire quarter. Brookwood can’t be blamed for all of this, as Bibb County apparently played zone defense the entire time. It was like they were trying to one-up each other with stories about that one time they went to space camp. No one cares dude, no one.

This game had to be a new movie directed by M. Night Shyamalan, where the twist is if you’ll get bored to the point of having to converse with the people next to you. It’s a game that was meant to break the will of the fans. It’s like those movies where they force a prisoner’s eyes open and force them to watch endless clips of world disasters to brainwash them. Except instead of watching people fleeing from armies, you’re watching little kids pass the ball back and forth while littler kids perfect the zone.

After Brookwood took the honor of torturing the parents who attended, Bibb County came out hot in the third. They moved the ball relentlessly, communicating plays and hustling as they also kept it for an entire quarter. See, they were 2-0 up and just didn’t give a damn at that point. I can understand that, you’re already up and it’s not like Brookwood cares about anything moral and just so why not keep the ball and watch as the life force of the world dissipates into ashes?

I mean, why even score a point? Why takes a shot? What’s the point of happiness and trying to achieve things? We’re all dust specs in this ever-expanding universe where giant balls of gas float in the darkness of space and human beings number in the billions. Our actions are meaningless in the grand scheme. You’re just a small ripple in the ocean of existence. A raindrop in the storm of life, neither original or irreplaceable. Nothing matters, Brookwood and Bibb County understands this.

They know this because when the fourth quarter started, they literally held the ball again. Except there was a trick now, Brookwood intended to score with the final shot of the game to either tie it or win 3-2. The audacity! Every parent in there should have scoffed so hard that the gym itself would smack its teeth in disgust. This is a human rights violation. And karma bit them in the butt as they turned the ball over to Bibb County with 15 seconds left.

Then in those 15 seconds, the two teams took a combined 7 shots and missed every one. So I guess it kind of makes sense. They just knew they were bad at this whole basketball concept and prefer not to be laughed at. So they bored everyone back to 1977, the year that Jay Leno made his first appearance on the “Tonight Show.” Wait, that’s it! This game is an episode of Jay Leno.