Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog Bites pizza is the ultimate sports pizza

There is a new gold standard when it comes to ordering food for people while watching a game at your house. Pizza Hut’s “Hot Dog Bites pizza” has been called an unholy abomination, some quip that it’s the most American food the worlds has ever been given. I’m here to tell you that it is perfect. Not perfect in the way a good meal at a Michelin Star restaurant is, but perfect in all the ways you need food to be perfect while watching a game. Here’s why:

You know how you get lost in that mid-zone where you’re not sure how much food to order? Say you have three friends over. Do you get one extra large pizza? Two large pizzas? Is that going to be enough food? Maybe you need to get wings too.

The Hot Dog Bites pizza eliminates that anxiety. If you buy two of them you’re getting the equivalent of 14 hot dogs and two pizza rolled into one. Also it prevents that one annoying friend from eating too many slices while leaving the crusts on their plate. That person is always annoying, and they have no out here.

There is no better way to emulate what it’s like to get a stupid piece of stadium gimmick food than to eat a pizza wrapped in hot dogs. No concession lines, no stress -- just get the thing delivered and go. It’s the closest culinary experience to being at the game without the ludicrous prices.

You will also feel terrible about yourself after eating it, which brings us to...

Sorry “E! Online,” but I’m going to need to throw some shade here. You didn’t eat this pizza... not really. In your review of the Hot Dog Bites pizza one of your staff said the following:

“After fasting for 12 hours I was able to eat two full pieces, and 3 additional pop-able hot dog crusts. I’m slightly uncomfortably full, but worth every bite.”

*ahem*

Now THAT’S how you eat this monstrosity. I have some tips for you, because it’s a challenge.

- Do not think about how much food you’re consuming while eating it.

- Do not use the mustard dipping sauce for the hot dogs, because they’re garlicky and that doesn’t mesh well.

- Prepare yourself for the difficulty of eating the pizza.

Here is what the pizza looks like after you’ve eaten the hot dogs around it.

The big issue is that you’ve lost your pizza handle. Some might say it was a rookie mistake to eat the hot dogs first, but I’m the kind of person who likes to separate my food experiences. I never mix my peas and potatoes, and I’m not throwing off my pizza groove with hot dogs in between. Prepare for this.

Folding is hard too.

The crust is typically a guideline for pizza folders like me. Cracking the crust is like scoring a tile before snapping it in two. You need that for pizza symmetry, and it’s lost here.

You need an acidic drink to go along with this. I chose Diet Coke (because I’m weight conscious, after all) but you can do whatever. There is no tangible reason this helps. It is a placebo. Washing the pizza down with something you think will dissolve it makes your body feel better.

Final tip: Hydrate after. Currently I’ve consumed over 100 ounces of water, and I’m still feeling thirsty. This is the ultimate sodium bomb destroying your body and leaving no witnesses. This needs to be mitigated, by any means possible.

Yes. Everyone who has access should eat this food and feel bad physically, and mentally. It is an experience you need to have, and I need more souls to destroy themselves in the same way to feel better about myself. Do it for you, do it for me.

Food grade: 28 tiny hot dogs out of 10.

It has been 20 hrs since I consumed the pizza. Last night was... not good. My body staged a coup against me overnight, attacking itself for the sodium bomb I’d consumed earlier. An endless loop of water consumption and bathroom breaks was my stomach’s attempt to flush the pizza from its realm.

I finally fell asleep at 5 a.m. after watching four consecutive episodes of Orange is the New Black. I retract my prior statement. Do not eat this alone. Do not stand in solidarity with me.

★★★

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