The Olympics Opening Ceremony is a biennial opportunity for the host nation to show off its distinguishing traits (London 2012: James Bond, health care, J.R.R. Tolkien; Sochi 2014: ballet, shoddy technical preparation). As such, the Opening Ceremony and the ensuing Parade of Nations lend themselves to a certain kind of predictability: I don’t know how soccer will be incorporated into Rio’s presentation on Friday night, but I know that it will be.
Get your Rio Olympic Opening Ceremony BINGO card right here
With that in mind, we’ve designed a BINGO card to better your enjoyment of the festivities (print out different variants here). BINGO: it’s like a drinking game, but for old people!
NOTES ON SELECT BOXES:
Carnivale: AKA Sexy Mardi Gras.
Neymar: The face of Brazilian soccer, and also its haircut.
Supermodels: The organizers cut a questionable sketch with Gisele Bundchen, but smart money says she’ll still make an appearance.
Capoeira: There are bad things about Brazil: a corrupt government, widespread inequality, Zika outbreaks, the clearcutting of the rainforest. And right down there at the bottom of this poisoned well is capoeira, better known in most North American circles as “What was that thing those shirtless guys were doing at the park? They were, like, pretending to fight while dancing?”
Dilma Rousseff: The impeached Brazilian president may be removed from office by the end of the Games. Why not go for broke and light the Olympic cauldron herself?
Pelé: The greatest sandwich spokesman in history.
Xuxa: She’s a person. Don’t look her up, it was a 90s thing.
Human interest stories: Will NBC pull the trigger on opening night? Or can the human interest stories wait until specific sport coverage begins Saturday?
#butts: Can Brazil perform an homage to Carnivale without #butts? I doubt it.
Christ the Redeemer: AKA the Big Jesus Statue.
Technical glitch: Rio’s preparation for the Games has been AT LEAST as half-assed and corrupt as Sochi’s; why wouldn’t there be a technical glitch?
Berets: Some country always thinks they can pull off berets. Stop. No.
Vests: See “berets.”
“Copacabana” / “The Girl from Ipanema”: These are bad songs. It is my sincere hope I don’t have to hear them. (Oh, and if you’re gonna point out that “Copacabana” is about the nightclub and not the Brazilian beach, congrats: you win this round of Barry Manilow trivia. Your reward is crippling shame.)
