I subscribe to the belief that all pizza is good pizza, but this Swedish Christmas pizza is pushing my limits.
Is this Swedish Christmas pizza the worst pizza on earth?
This is too much.
James Dator has been covering a wide range of sports for SB Nation for over a decade, with a special focus on the NFL.
There’s a lot going on here. Too much. It’s an unbalanced mess of a pie with minefields waiting at every slice. This isn’t just a pizza, it’s a social experiment. If you bought this to share with friends, you’re not simply providing them with a meal, you are ranking their worth as a human — and they know it.
Everyone is getting a meatball, which is just enough to say “I like you enough to feed you,” but the rest is a battle of the fittest. Some people are getting an excellent slice, others will immediately know that you loathe them. It’s nonverbal communication at its finest. We need to rank these slices:
- Cured Ham: This looks like a quality Parma ham, or maybe even a prosciutto and I am very much about this life. A whole pie of cured ham is too much, but in a single-slice format it’s sublime. There’s a reason you get two slices: One for you, one for your BFF.
- Fried Anchovies: I know some of you are mad. I don’t care. Anchovies are a very good pizza topping, especially in this format. I’m a little leery of fried anchovies, as oily fish plus fried-in oil is a tough thing to pull off, but I have faith in our Swedish friends.
- Three Vertical Sausages: I don’t know what to make of these. They look like hot dogs, which are fine — I’m not fancy. But their orientation makes this one rough. Their verticality means folding the slice is off the table, and that’s what will happen to these sausages. The will roll off your pizza, onto the floor, and you become the person eating floor sausages. You want to be that person?
- Red Cabbage: I don’t know whether this will have a sweeter profile or have a sauerkraut element to it, but either way I’m kind of OK with it. Definitely not my first choice, but getting this means you’re a reliable friend. The kind of friend who won’t cause a scene when you get cabbage pizza. The kind of friend who borrowed a book in college and never gave it back — which is why you get cabbage pizza.
- Mustard Ham: The problem with Mustard Ham is twofold: Firstly, it’s mustard on a pizza, which is bad. Secondly, you need to suffer the indignity of being the lowest-tier meat recipient. You witnessed two people get better ham, lusted after vertical sausages, and now you’re stuck with the inside of a sandwich on a pizza. That ham looks good. Way too much mustard.
- Potato Salad: You are the odd person out. The friend who might as well have not been invited. You’re barely being given food. This isn’t a meal offering, it’s an insult. There is nothing that makes pizza and potato salad go together. You know it, your group knows it. If you get this slice everyone is going to be like “awww shit, what did they do?”
I’d probably still eat all of this. If I’m being honest with myself.
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