Michigan tight end Jake Butt got the most appropriate endorsement deal in NFL draft history on Wednesday when he signed a deal with Charmin to be the face of toilet paper.
5 perfect NFL draft endorsements that need to happen
James Dator has been covering a wide range of sports for SB Nation for over a decade, with a special focus on the NFL.
Get it ... because his last name is Butt? This is the kind of marketing we can get behind. Too often athletes endorse products you know have no personal meaning to them — but Charmin and Butt go together like peas and carrots. In the spirit of this amazing union here are a few more NFL draft endorsements that need to happen.
Taco Charlton, Taco Bell
It’s right there in the name! The brand synergy is just too real to pass up. It would be like if there was a punter named Hamburger King. What’s even better about this branding is that there are natural partnerships available between Taco Bell and Charmin so we can cross brand — especially if Charlton and Butt wind up on rival teams.
Taco might not be kind to Butt, but we are: Charmin. Now with a 20 percent off coupon for Taco Bell in specially-marked packs.
Christian McCaffrey, Christian Mingle
Aaron Rodgers’ brother became the face of The Bachelor, now this Stanford running back can become the face of an entire dating website. What I like about this brand opportunity is that it’s very unlikely anyone else will in the NFL will invade the space, so McCaffrey has free dominance of the online dating scene.
At least until Julian Matchdotcom is drafted in 2031.
Forrest Lamp, Lamps — all of them
If you’re a big-box store trying to sell lamps it’s very difficult to market them effectively. I just did a rough count and there are nine lamps in my house right now — and I don’t know the brand of any of them.
So, instead of marketing one specific lamp, Forrest Lamp markets EVERY LAMP! He becomes the trusted name in task and soft lighting. Here, I’ll even give them the first ad free.
“I’m NFL offensive lineman Forrest Lamp [football players crash into each other]. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about football it’s that the biggest danger is being in the dark [QB gets sacked]. Know how I stop that happening? Hard work, dedication and lamps [snaps finger, light turns on]. So get one! [text: Lamps, lighting the way]”
CRITICALLY IMPORTANT UPDATE:
Roughly 45 minutes after I wrote this it turned out Forrest Lamp got a contract endorsing actual lamps. IT’S HAPPENING!
Vince Biegel, Beagles
The beagle is in dire need of a dog brand makeover. There was a time when beagles were the world’s best dog friends, but the internet has caused them to be eclipsed by Corgies, Frenchies, and the Alaskan Malamute.
This is a realistic hire for these pups. They can’t afford a big-name first-round pick, so getting a mid-round linebacker from Wisconsin just makes sense to revitalize their image. It starts with whatever team drafts Biegel, then spreads virally to ensure beagles are back on top.
Tyus Bowser, Nintendo
What’s better than Bowser? TWO BOWSERS! This is the move Nintendo needs to make its products more appealing to sports fans. Hold up ...
Why the hell hasn’t there been a Nintendo football game? The whole Mushroom Kingdom have played tennis, soccer, golf, and driven go carts — but never played football. This writes itself. Bowser, Wario and Donkey Kong are linemen, Luigi is a tight end — I guess Mario has to be the QB but I’d definitely sub him out for Yoshi. Peach had crazy hops in Super Mario Bros. 2, so she’s a natural wide receiver.
God, I just want to play this game now. See you later, going to go fantasize about this more.
