Gronk’s cleavage-filled sushi dream of a music video is the purest distillation of Gronk yet

I have been rocking back and forth in my chair breathing into a paper bag ever since I saw this music video with Gronk in it, and this is absolutely not a goof. It’s the greatest thing ever.

There is way too much packed into this 3:08 video. We need to slither through this whole dang thing. Hold onto your butts, because this is happening.

The music video opens with a shot of the Vegas skyline before we are shown the interior of a bar. A woman is sitting alone, before Gronk walks in — or walks isn’t the right word. He saunters up.

There’s not really any communication between the two, but Gronk thinks she’s interested so he looks at the bartender and orders two drinks.

Now, keep in mind that the bartender has nothing to go off but “Two,” this is the only information he is given. He saw “two” from Gronk and was like “I got this.” Suddenly the drinks are up.

How did he know to make two discreet drinks with different mixers based on the number two? We don’t know. He’s probably a warlock or something and don’t you dare pretend that high fantasy is out of place in this setting because shit’s about to get a whole lot weirder than a warlock bartender, let me tell you.

So Gronk is in a new relationship it seems, and what do all new couples do together? Yes, that’s right — they wash a car together. He also smacks her butt, because reasons.

It’s important to note that the car washing scene isn’t reality. As I said there’s a lot going on here. We got to this point through a wavy transition, which is the ultimate sign of a dream sequence.

In the car-washing dream Gronk is impressed by a butt.

We return to the bar where Gronk’s new girlfriend is upset he zoned out. This is totally acceptable given they’ve known each other for one drink and he’s already not listening to her.

Gronk apologizes and takes her out to dinner. It’s here he notices WWE Superstar (and real-life BFF) Mojo Rawley carrying a plate of sushi.

It’s bro at first sight, and immediately Gronk is transfixed.

This triggers Dream Sequence 2: Sushi Boogaloo. Gronk wakes up with a piece of nigiri on his head and basically naked.

Note that his junk has become a chopstick holder. There’s a lot of care and effort that went into dressing this scene. So all these women walk in and begin eating sushi off Gronk, as you do — and there’s a weird sushi kiss that looks like a mother bird feeding its helpless baby.

Everyone is having a fun naked Gronk sushi party when Mojo Rawley appears and starts pouring soy sauce all over his bro.

Mojo then starts waterboarding Gronk with soy sauce. We’re only 1:45 in at this point. The music video is only just over half over and we’ve had two dream sequences, a naked sushi party, and lots of butts.

Gronk snaps out of dream two and gets a drink thrown in his face for fantasizing over Mojo while on a date.

Gronk pursues her out of the restaurant, trips, and falls into a trampoline jumping gym. He’s wearing different clothes now and there’s a sexy pillow fight going on.

Worn out from all the sexy pillow fighting, Gronk collapses on the trampoline where he starts getting hit with a broom.

The bartender wakes up Gronk and says “Dude, bar’s closed.” At which point Gronk stumbles out.

The date.

The car-washing.

The sushi party-turned-soy sauce torture scene.

The pillow fighting.

This is the most confusing thing I’ve seen in a long time and it’s the absolute best.