Bryce Harper charging Hunter Strickland on Monday was more than emotions boiling over during a heated game. It was proof of a theory: People named “Bryce” shouldn’t fight. The Nationals’ star probably thought he looked like a badass when he ran in with helmet-tossing furor, but in reality this is what everyone saw.
Bryce Harper charging the mound is proof people named ‘Bryce’ shouldn’t fight
Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports
James Dator has been covering a wide range of sports for SB Nation for over a decade, with a special focus on the NFL.
It’s not Harper’s fault that he looked like a goober when he tried to start a fight. The reality is that everyone looks like an idiot when they fight. Unless you have some kind of formal training you look like a doofus, it comes with the territory. But it’s the internal elements of this fight, the wildly inaccurate helmet toss, Harper swinging at mostly air — it’s not his fault. There’s a very good reason why Bryce is bad at fighting.
Because he’s named “Bryce.”
Names are bellwethers. There’s a reasonable expectation of the kind of person someone is based on their name. Titus in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt believes that everyone named “Linda” works in HR. You will never meet a “Julian” who isn’t impeccably dressed — the list goes on. But Bryce, well, Bryce is not a fighter’s name.
Here’s the proof of this very serious, absolutely scientific theory.
Wikipedia keeps an exhaustive list of every male MMA fighter and boxer from around the world. Each list has hundreds upon hundreds of names. The MMA list alone contains six dudes named “Chad,” but not a single Bryce. The same thing happens when you look at the list of boxers.
Not a single Bryce.
Kickboxers? No Bryce.
Judoka? No Bryce.
Wrestlers? No Bryce.
Taekwondo? No Bryce.
There is no evidence on the internet that anyone named Bryce has ever been a fighter — and it shows.
The comparative Bryce theory.
People don’t need to be a professional in order to do something, so perhaps we’re setting the bar for fightin’ Bryces too high. To this end we go to Ranker.com’s list of most-famous people named Bryce to see if fighting was a core component of their lives.
- Bryce Dallas Howard: She shot a dinosaur in Jurassic World and destroyed her life in Black Mirror by refusing to get into a fight until it was too late. Bryce Dallas Howard is the world’s greatest fighting Bryce.
- Bryce Harper: Established bad fighter.
- Bryce Salvador: Former NHL defender had a plethora of hockey fights, and he was about a 50/50 winner. This is a good fighting Bryce.
The rest of the Bryce list is a lot of child actors who probably don’t know how to throw hands, so we’ll omit them. The top three shows that Bryces CAN fight, but they need to be the defender — not the instigator.
This was Harper’s core problem. Sure, you can say he was just defending himself after getting plunked — but he did start the fight and made it clear he shouldn’t be fighting.
Is there any hope for a great fighting Bryce in our lifetimes?
Probably not. History just doesn’t side with the name when it comes to fighting. That said, we have seen that Bryces are good defenders. If the world ever gets overrun by resurrected dinosaurs, the Bryces might be our last line of defense.
Final message for the world’s Bryces.
Don’t fight.
