Let’s help Russell Westbrook avoid every NBA Finals game with Whoopi Goldberg movies

Did you watch Game 1 of the NBA Finals? Russell Westbrook didn’t. The NBA MVP candidate couldn’t bear to watch former teammate Kevin Durant play on the league’s brightest stage, so he watched Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit:

We can chalk this move up to pettiness, but maybe Russ is just really into Whoopi Goldberg movies. This is absolutely acceptable, because I at age 8-13 was SERIOUSLY into some Whoopi Goldberg movies.

Last night Russ caught Sister Act 2 on HBO, but unfortunately this might be his only chance to overwrite the NBA Finals with Whoopi. So this is his chance to preplan for the rest of the series and watch six more Whoopi Goldberg movies.

Russ went down the path-less-traveled by starting with the sequel first, so he HAS to circle back around and find out where Deloris’ habit began. It’s probably been eating him up — poor guy.

So many of the Whoopi family of movies revolve around criminal entities wanting to kill her. What’s up with that? If you were a movie producer in the late ‘80s - early ‘90s and you needed someone to be tracked and killed, then invariably someone would say “What about Whoopi Goldberg?” In any event, Jumpin’ Jack Flash is probably the best of this ilk.

While we’re here, we need to take a quick detour to talk about this movie’s posters. So here’s the original poster in the US:

It’s fun. It’s surprising. But look what happened when it went to Europe:

Now THIS isn’t just a movie choice, it’s poetry. The Warriors could be closing out the series on this game — so Russ watches a basketball-themed movie. It’s about the Knicks, so it’s far enough removed from the finals itself. To make things even more perfect, Whoopi is tasked with coaching Stacey Patton (played by Malik Sealy) who is a selfish me-first player with no desire to help his team win.

You just KNOW Russ is going to draw parallels in his mind while he sits there and seethes.

At this point, we’ve had a lot of tension in the viewing guide, and if Game 5 is happening, then the drama might have lessened a little bit in the finals. You can’t just watch one high-anxiety Whoopi banger after another, so Corrina, Corrina is a nice rest point for a little romance.

Fun fact: Tina Majorino, who played the little girl, went on to be Deb in Napoleon Dynamite.

No goofs here. Any Whoopi list needs to include The Color Purple, and it’s worth a watch every couple of years.

This will be the last possible NBA game of the season. It’s an end point. Nothing is more perfect than appreciating the symbolism of death paired with a missed connection across planes of existence.

The helpless romantic in me likes to imagine that Russ and KD are still together, somewhere. Sure, they won’t make pottery together — but I want to believe they’re together in an alternate universe, still playing together.