Kyle Mooney’s ‘sporty’ is still perfect, 5 years later

The perfect sports video isn’t a single highlight or a condensed real of distilled moments from a career. It’s not a stirring speech or a comeback win. It’s just a man, in his glasses, wearing a leather bomber jacket with “SPORTS” written down the sleeve, coping with the anguish of being a fan.

Kyle Mooney’s “sporty” isn’t some hidden gem of the internet, but in the grand scheme of incredible videos it has a meager 2.5 million views since it was uploaded in January of 2012. This might seem like a lot, but the music video for Hanson’s “MMMMBop” has 58 million — just for a random comparison.

Kyle sounds like all of us when we talk about sports to anyone who doesn’t follow along. Rambling, largely incoherent babbling where the obvious blends with the intelligible to form a patois of pain and blame. There is a story line in “sporty” if you can follow it, which makes it all the more amazing.

Kyle is devastated that his team, Dennison, lost the series to Nichols because of a last-second mistake. Daniels, one of the team’s star players, threw the ball away on the second elect, when he could have thrown it in. The pain is real, and Kyle knows he’ll need to wait two whole games before Dennison can return to the championship series playoffs of the Travelers.

The team had a chance too, but Nichols (coincidentally with the same name as the opposing team) was on the sideline — likely due to an injury. But there were bigger problems, too. Benjals, the team’s player-coach, made questionable decisions throughout the game despite being on the verge of making the Hall of Fame. All Benjals needed to do was make it to 480 and he was a lock, now it’s impossible.

There’s plenty of blame to go around in Kyle’s eyes. Anderson, Daniels Jr., and Kendellson all played poorly, despite the team being the best in the league. The sad scene closes with Kyle writing everything down to try and explain to his friend ... but to no avail. He’s just not sporty enough to understand.

In the five years since its release, “sporty” still raises questions and has its own mythos. People are still discussing what sports Kyle was talking about, and every few months a fresh batch of YouTube comments pop up as people try to work out exactly what happened.

Similarly, the genesis of the sketch has people divided into two camps. Some believe “sporty” was a continuation of an earlier sketch “emily’s thing” featuring a similarly confusing character, but critics point out that the Kyle in “emily’s thing” and the “sporty” Kyle are clearly different.

The second camp, and the better story, is that Mooney found the horrifically amazing “SPORTS” bomber jacket in a Salvation Army store, and the entire idea of the sketch branched off the purchase. There’s no clear answer how it was devised, so all we’re left is with this time capsule of sports that will forever apply to all of us.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter why Kyle Mooney decided to make “sporty” in 2012. We have it. It’s ours forever. When the Carolina Panthers broke my heart and lost in Super Bowl 50 I was ranting and raving, upset at the offensive line and the lack of blocking. Furious at offensive coordinator Mike Shula for not making any adjustments at halftime. My wife grabbed her laptop, put on “sporty,” and we laughed about it. In the end it’s more perfect than any of us care to admit.