Tom Brady wants to become a self-help guru

Tom Brady isn’t a rookie when it comes to releasing books. Last year the Patriots quarterback released a $200 cookbook which gave us insight into Brady’s culinary world, now we have the opportunity to live his life.

Simon & Schuster is releasing The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance, which reads like a seminar at convention for pyramid schemes, but it — hey — it conveys the book’s purpose. According to the press release, The TB12 Method will be “oversized,” and “full of illustrations” which we can only hope means lots and lots of Far Side cartoons so it makes the perfect coffee table book.

Brady’s book purports to tell you his hidden secrets and training and living, which allowed him to become one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.

“In it, Brady tells the backstory of that led to the revolutionary approach to his training and exercise regimen, one that decreases the risk of injury while extending peak performance.”

Outside of the brief blurb we don’t really know what’s in the book, but we can safely guess a few of the chapter titles.

Chapter 5: Avocado ice cream and you.

Chapter 17: Outlasting Peyton Manning, who is clearly worse in every way.

Chapter 31: How to throw passes to mediocre receivers for two decades (not you, Randy).

Chapter 50: Suck it, Roger.

Chapter 51: Maintain peak performance so you don’t blow a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.

Chapter 70: My name is an anagram for “Tram Body,” think about it

Perhaps the most exciting promise of the book is that we’re going to get an audio version too. Audio books are always exciting because you never know who’s going to read them. The obvious choice is to have Brady read the book himself, but he’s a busy guy and will be deep in preparation for the season when it will be recorded.

So we need someone with football experience, who isn’t very busy and has experience on the field with Brady. Hmmm ....