Every NFL Draft pick should be decided by how many nut punches a GM will take

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein

The NFL Draft has become stagnant. Sure, players come and go and the draft order is different — but fundamentally we have been doing the same thing for too many years. The whole process needs a shakeup, and an anonymous NFL coach unwittingly stumbled across a genius idea.

I’ve thought about this, a lot — and the idea is utter perfection. Instead of drafting based on record, every selection is set up like a giant bet. Roger Goodell walks to the podium and tells the world that the New York Giants want to select Saquon Barkley. Now, all 32 teams have two minutes to enter their nut punch wager electronically.

The bids are revealed, and the GM of the team willing to be punched in the crotch the most times is brought to the stage, where Goodell is waiting, wearing one of those tight black latex gloves like an MMA ref, because we want to keep this sanitary.

The Giants have bid 25 nut shots. Much higher than anyone else. GM Dave Gettleman stands on the stage while Goodell wails on his nether region. If Gettleman makes it to 25 punches, Barkley becomes a member of the Giants — but uh oh, he’s been punched 7 times and he can’t keep going. He’s tapping out!

Well, the Browns also really wanted Saquon Barkley — but they bid a more conservative 17 punches, putting them in second place. The Giants really messed this one up, because now the Browns have a chance to get have their frank and beans bashed, but only need to withstand 10 blows — their bid, minus the 7 Gettleman already took on stage.

Now we have a fully democratized system where any team can conceivably get any player, provided they have the fortitude to take nut shots. Every year players are put through the physical rigors of the NFL Combine, which is why this system is perfect for GMs. It adds another layer onto team personnel. Sure, you might have a 70-year-old football genius, but can they physically take the ball beating required to get that franchise quarterback? Similarly, you might have a young guy who really isn’t great at scouting, but goodness those kumquats are ripe for boxing.

There’s a natural attrition built into the process. That old genius might only have a body built for a few players, while the young dude can take a shotgun approach and get his testes tested like Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.

Football personnel have little interaction with fans on a visceral level. Their moves get blamed and yelled about, and that’s it. Now, imagine if you’re the unpopular GM of a struggling team and you just took 850 nut shots over three days to land four of the draft’s top prospects. You are a hero overnight. The veil between the office and the fan is lifted, and everyone appreciates how you put your balls on the line for the team.

Similarly, there’s no longer any guesswork about where a player was on a team’s board. That second round kicker may have seemed weird, but damn your GM just got punched in the nuts 20 times for him — so you know the team liked him.

Now, I know this assumes all the GMs in the NFL are men — and currently they are. But this could open up avenues for diversity across the league, which would be wonderful as well.

Instead of giving grades that mean nothing, or rating players prior to the draft, all we need to do is think about how much physical punishment they’re worth. Imagine a draft where Mel Kiper is sitting behind the desk breaking down a pick.

“I think this was a serious reach. I had a 30 punch grade on this kid, and the Colts just took 100 for him. They have to think he fits in their system, because I just don’t see that punished undercarriage being there for many more picks!”

Then Todd McShay jumps in ...

“Sorry Mel, I just don’t see it. This kid is the perfect slot receiver in their no-huddle offense, and is going to really open things up. For the Jets, sure — 20 punches tops, but the amount those family jewels were flagellated is totally fair and Andrew Luck is going to be thrilled their GM went out and got him.”

How much of the NFL Draft do you watch right now? Just until your team picks? Maybe the first round? Now imagine that your team could be picking at any time, and even when they weren’t drafting you’d get to see some old NFL GM get punched in the nuts repeatedly.

You know you would watch. We all would.