These incredible Japanese gum ads are going to blow your mind

I’m not going to pretend this series of ads for “Sakeru Gum” are sports. I’m not going to make some tenuous link, or try to compare them to sports. But I care about you, and like showing you weird things — and I haven’t really been able to function since I watched all 11 ads featuring “Long Long Man.”

Gum ads are inherently weird, because there’s not much left to say about gum. However, the fine people at Sakeru Gum gave us an 11-part mini series featuring a woman named Chi, her boyfriend Tooru, and Long Long Man — who is basically Dos Equis’ “Most Interesting Man in the World”, but with long gum.

I’ll map out what happens, just so we can share a close reading.

Chi and Tooru are enjoying gum on a park bench. Suddenly Chi becomes distracted by the sensual perfection of Long Long Man.

Chi and Tooru go to the zoo. The animals are a joy to behold. Suddenly an elephant’s trunk becomes a reminder of a handsome figure, and Long Long Man sensually tears his gum.

Tooru calls Chi on the phone and tells her he found a whole stash of mango Sakeru Gum that he is sending her by bike messenger. The delivery driver ends up being Long Long Man. She is bewitched by his guile and asks him to stay.

Still inside the apartment, Chi asks if she can touch Long Long Man’s gum. He says it’s OK. The pair realize it’s a bad idea and we are left on a cliffhanger.

Tooru rings the doorbell, worried Chi is okay because she wasn’t answering her phone. He enters the apartment and finds long gum in her bed and imagines the pair enjoying long gum together.

Tooru is incensed. He feels inadequate because he only has short gum. Chi faints. Waking up she tells Tooru she is dying, and doesn’t have much longer. She loves long things because they make her feel better.

In school, Chi is talking to a classmate about her betrayal of Tooru for Long Long Man. The classmate explains that long gum and short gum are equally satisfying, but the short gum is made to be more compact. Chi breaks down crying

Back together, Chi and Tooru stroll through a mall. He asks her how she would like to be proposed to. She says that she’d like anything but a flash mob, causing Tooru to freak out and hastily cancel the flash mob he organized. Tooru hastily asks Chi to marry him before she becomes distracted by a rabbit with long ears that remind her of Long Long Man.

Tooru and Chi say goodnight. He leans in for a kiss and she says “no,” not until they’re married. She gets into a cab and as it pulls away she grabs her seat belt — it’s long gum, and Long Long Man is her driver. He asks where they will go — before the hallucination ends and a normal driver is revealed.

It’s Chi and Tooru’s wedding day. She seems unimpressed by the events. Suddenly a long limo pulls up. It’s Long Long Man, with a bouquet of long gum and long long tails on his coat. Chi is overjoyed and runs to him.

Chi tells Long Long Man she’s been waiting for him and apologizes to Tooru. Long Long Man speaks, for the first time, saying “Since I first lay my eyes on you.” He walks forward, past Chi, a montage plays. Long Long Man was in love with Tooru all along.

The two reach for each other’s gum, while Chi cries out “No, no, no, no, no!” in the background.

So, there you have it. The weirdest and best set of 11 commercials I have ever seen, with more twists in six minutes than most movies can pack into three hours. I love you Sakeru Gum, I love you Long Long Man.