The Rangers Are Horrible Because People Who Used To Play For The Rangers Are Horrible

Oct 14, 2010, 9:09 PM UTC

The Yankees meet the Rangers in the ALCS on Friday night, and the New York Daily News' Filip Bondy appears excited.

Thursday haiku, HERE COMES A SECOND BATCH OF EX-SENATORS: These Texas Rangers; Don’t pose postseason dangers; World Series strangers.

Filip Bondy knows that a haiku is five syllables, then seven, then five, and also that it must rhyme, and also that it must disparage one of the most likable playoff teams to come along in years. But he’s not finished!

On Thursday, Bondy also spent 500-plus words to explain to us that the Texas Rangers are horrible. It’s pretty clear that he’s trolling to get a rise out of people, and I know this, but I have to address a couple of things anyway.

[...] this ALCS represents one of sports' great historical mismatches, 40 pennants versus zero. The Yanks should win this series just by throwing their pinstriped uniforms onto the field and reading from a few pages of The Baseball Encyclopedia.

I love this line of thinking, because it fails to acknowledge that baseball teams are dynamic and become entirely different things every ten years, and it seems to suggest that teams win because magical ghosts from the past make them win. On the other side of the coin, the Rangers are terrible because they were terrible back when they didn’t have any of the players they have now.

Forbes estimates the Yankees are worth about three times [what the Rangers are worth].

Why are they even playing this series? Why don't they just use the scores from '96, '98 and '99?

I feel like the gimmick wears a little thin here. People will read this and immediately realize he’s trolling them. If you really want to make people mad, don’t type something that people can answer with a cliche. I think the relevant cliche here is either “that’s why they play the games’ or “Filip Bondy.”

"I think history can play a role if you're playing a team where the guys have played against you," Joe Girardi said. "Most of (the Rangers) don't remember the late '90s, so it's not going to affect them one way of another. It doesn't mean anything to them."

Well, it should.
[...]

"I can't even think back to those years," Jorge Posada said. "It's over. I don't think it matters."

It matters.

“Okay, dude, sure. Well, uh, I’m gonna go read some scouting reports.”

“IT MATTERS”

“Right on, yep, matters. Winning tradition and all that. Baseball isn’t a game so much as a story written with a quill pen by an old man with a huge beard who lives in outer space, each of us a character, et cetera. Welp, see you later!”

“I LOVE MATTERING”

The URL for this post reads, “sad_lil_home_on_the_range.” I bet he was super-mad when an editor told him he had to change the headline. I kind of like it. It doesn’t make any sense, but I kind of like it.

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