Proposed Smokeless Tobacco Ban Only First Issue On Senators’ Agenda

Senators Dick Durbin of Illinois and Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey have written to MLB commissioner Bud Selig and MLBPA director Michael Weiner, pushing for a ban on all tobacco products to be included as part of the next CBA. Tobacco has been banned in the minors for nearly two decades, but it’s still allowed in the bigs, and the senators specifically mentioned smokeless tobacco as being a dangerous element, and setting a bad example for today’s youth.

The senators cite statistics showing that smokeless tobacco use among high school boys is on the rise, which is certainly a troubling trend. But lest one think that the senators are only concerned with getting young boys to quit dip, it turns out that this is only No. 1 on a list of items and activities they’d like to see banned by Major League Baseball for the sake of helping our youth. The rest:

(1) Sunflower seeds. Young boys see professional baseball players chewing sunflower seeds, and want to chew sunflower seeds themselves. Sunflower seeds make a mess.

(2) Chewing gum. As with seeds, a lot of kids will look to emulate their heroes who tuck a wad of chewing gum in one of their cheeks. Chewing gum is rude, and can also make a mess. A very different but significantly more irritating sort of mess.

(3) Titanium necklaces. The senators worry that the growing popularity and visibility of titanium necklaces around the game will encourage developing young minds to put anything on their bodies and ignore the findings of medical science

(4) Pitching. MLB is undoubtedly complicit in the fact that more and more young boys are requiring surgical operations on their elbows and shoulders, as it’s difficult to imagine that this alarming trend would be a reality were it not for all of the baseball players who choose to pitch.

(5) Baseball. With standardized test scores in the toilet around the country, the senators are concerned that the game of baseball is too appealing and serves to divert young attention from academic pursuits. They propose a thorough ban, but express an openness to a compromise in which batters toss balls to themselves and hit against a wall filled with boxes marked “out” or “single”.