25 Questions About This Yankees Face That You’re Supposed To Nail Into A Tree

Feb 23, 2011, 2:41 PM UTC

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There is an item sold by the MLB.com Shop, which lists it as a "New York Yankees Forest Face."

I have precisely several questions about this, which I will ask below. Please don’t hesitate to offer any answers you may have.

1. WHAT?
2. WHY?
3. FOR WHAT PURPOSE?
4. Did MLB merchandisers come up with this idea entirely on their own, or is there a company that makes “Forest Faces”?
5. Okay, so it looks as though there is a “Forest Face” company that sells generic smiley, frowny, kissy, etc. faces. This is the sales pitch:

What? You?ve never seen a Poplar pucker up? Well, you will now with this fun tree kissy face. Another hilarious yard décor accessory from the witty people at Forest Faces. Just space the four features out on the trunk of your favorite woody friend, and watch the looks it gets.

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THIS
6. Would people want to buy this because they genuinely regret not ever seeing a face inside of a tree?
7. What sort of person would be delighted by the sight of a face inside of a tree?
8. Is that the problem with trees? That they aren’t people?
9. Does that mean we should start hammering faces into everything?
10. Is this the purpose of trees? To be whimsical?
11. Back to the specific Yankees Forest Face above. We often wear sports garments to establish identity. Do people buy this Forest Face because they are compelled to establish an identity for one of their trees?
12. Are these people genuinely concerned that their plants are insufficiently aligned with a particular sports franchise?
13. How does the placement of the hat make any sense? Shouldn’t it be at the top of the tree?
14. Perhaps it’s too difficult to find the “top” of a tree’s trunk, so there’s nowhere for a hat to rest?
15. Does this tree remember Shane Spencer?
16. Isn’t it sort of lazy to simply make half of a hat and hammer it into the side of the tree?
17. How is that even a hat?
18. Isn’t their failure to properly add the hat to the proceedings a solid indicator that trees are, generally speaking, not meant for faces to be hammered into them?
19. What expression is that face making?
20. Is it sad?
21. Is it mad?
22. Is it glad?
23. If you have this in one of your trees, do you have any idea what you’re broadcasting about yourself? That you paid $25 so that you could hammer a face into a tree because you were distressed that it wasn’t wearing half of a fake Yankees hat?
24. WHY
25. WHAT FOR