Many moons ago, the Phillies were a terrible baseball team that drafted J.D. Drew second overall. Drew didn't sign with the Phillies, though, and instead signed with the Cardinals the next year, so when Drew played a game in Philadelphia in 1999, the fans decided to throw batteries at him in a show of disapproval.
J.D. Drew, Phillies Fans, And A Lesson In Battery-Throwing
The 90s were a long time ago, right? They sure were. People have changed. People have matured. But not all people. Drew's Red Sox play a road series in Philadelphia this coming June, and the Philadelphia Inquirer's charming T.J. Furman chose to make the following suggestion to his audience [since redacted]:
“You’ll get one more chance to let J.D. know how you feel about him when the Sox come to town June 28-30. Get your D-cells ready.”
This is wrong for two reasons. The first, obviously, is that it’s a horrible message. Furman pretty clearly meant it as a joke and wasn’t trying to incite mass violence, but tone isn’t the easiest thing to convey through text, and there are some scary people out there. Scary people who do what they’re told to do in newspapers. Additionally, throwing batteries is an ugly part of Philadelphia’s past that needn’t be brought up in the present by a local journalist, and this joke contained far too little humor to make up for its poor taste.
As for the second reason - I want to make clear that none of us here at SB Nation encourage or support the throwing of batteries at people. But if we were to encourage or support the throwing of batteries at people, D-cells wouldn’t be the batteries of choice. They’re the first to come to mind simply because of their bulk, but remember that they’re big and cylindrical. 9V batteries are more rectangular, and the edges could inflict more damage. And if you’re looking for a different sort of assault, AAA batteries are smaller and sold in bunches, so you could conceivably arm yourself with a sort of battery spray. D-cells don’t make good sense. If you want to hit a guy with a battery, use 9V’s or AAA’s. And if you just want to hit a guy with something heavy, throw a baseball. Break free from the shackles of tradition. Nobody will suspect you if you go into a baseball game with a baseball.
T.J. Furman: just all kinds of wrong. A bad joke in bad taste is a joke you should probably keep to yourself.
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