It’s Opening Day! Here Are Some Really Bad Baseball Aphorisms!

Baseball writers Opening Day to painful quantities of weapons-grade metaphor and flowery language. You know, the sort of thing uttered by the people in Ken Burns’ Baseball documentaries right before they argue that every other sport is horrible and stupid. I’m certainly not immune. I mean, just this morning, I blacked out, and upon coming to I found that I had compared baseball to a fish bowl.

We’ve had some fun today with the #badbaseballaphorisms tag on Twitter. You are encouraged to do your worst. In the meantime, here are some of mine.

Baseball is like a loaf of bread. You take it out, slice by slice, and eat it until there isn’t bread anymore.

Baseball is a bear, hibernating in Winter, stretching its atrophied limbs and emerging upon the first light of Spring, and then literally going to the stream and catching some fish and taking it back to its bear house where it will feed its bear children.

Baseball is a truly and purely American sport in that it is literally a process of reckless resource consumption, cruise missile lobbing, mass forced incarceration, and saturated fat production that lasts six hundred years or so.

A baseball diamond, its green glass glistening against the matte strokes of its pitcher’s mound, is a unique sight because it is really rare that you ever see a bunch of grass and dirt, you guys.

Ah, the first pitch. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (collapses)

The crack of the bat, the smack of the ball against the glove... it’s not a sport so much as an excuse to chop down a bunch of trees and chop those into smaller pieces and then use them to whack around this thing we made out of a cow that we just killed. Whenever a ball is caught by a glove, it’s like two cows hugging! Awww! (the other cow is dead also)

Baseball! And that’s why baseball is the best sport that has ever been devised and every other sport is dumb, especially basketball.