John Rocker loses to a girl on ‘Survivor’

Welcome back! The summary for the second episode of this season’s “Survivor” includes the following sentence: “Meanwhile, John Rocker’s controversial past in baseball threatens his future in the game.” Ohhhhhh boy. He’s gonna call some people some slurs in this episode, isn’t he?

Well, let’s get to it. If you need to get caught up, you can find the first episode recap here.

- John does a “Loved One Challenge” (ugh, this show) against his girlfriend, Julie. Prior to the challenge beginning, he turns his head to either side and they add NECK CRACK SOUND EFFECTS and I flip over every table in my house.

- The challenge involves having to balance a ball on a platter. John Rocker, former professional athlete, is terribly bad at this. But I did get a lot of good screencaps of him staring very intently at what looks like Horton’s egg.

- Every contestant was given a colored bandana in the first episode to denote which team they’re on. Julie, has been almost exclusively wearing her bandana as a halter top. This seems ... impractical.

- Rocker loses the challenge. And he loses it really, really badly. So he has to spend the night on EXILE ISLAND. Host Jeff Probst asks him what it’s like to lose to his girlfriend. Rocker, master of tact and equality, responds, “Um, remove the friend part; I’m losing to a girl. I just got beat by a girl.” Nice, John. Nice.

- Julie sends her teammate Jeremy to Exile Island with John. So ... is Julie trolling John as well? Because basically everyone and everything in this episode goes out of its way to essentially say “WHOA JOHN ROCKER IS ALONE WITH A NON-WHITE PERSON? WHOOOOAAAA.” To be fair, though, that is sort of the narrative.

- Back at Rocker’s tribe’s camp, THE SECRET COMES OUT! “He let everyone know what he thought of the ethnic makeup of New York City.” So now everyone on John’s team knows the big secret: that he’s John Rocker, noted bigot. Somehow, the leader of Rocker’s tribe says, “This makes him better, as an asset to be used, because he pisses people off.” I don’t understand this show or this game and I don’t think anyone involved with it does, either.

- Jeremy and John arrive at Exile Island. Jeremy: “The icing on the top is, now I’m stuck out here with John Rocker.”

The derision in his voice was palpable. “I can’t even remember exactly what he said, but he said racist things.”

- Jeremy and John’s trip to the island is without incident and they return for the next challenge, which is basically the “American Gladiator” joust, but with a pillow instead of a Q-Tip. On John’s turn, he faces former Michigan State football player Jon. The very first thing they do is run straight at each other and bash their heads together. John loses and winds up with a bloody nose.

Empirical evidence: college football players are better than major league baseball players.

- John’s tribe loses the challenge, so one of them has to be eliminated this episode. John sulks by doing a belly-flop off their floating platform.

- Back at camp, Rocker uses the clue that Jeremy gave him on Exile Island in exchange for promising to keep his wife, Val, safe. He digs and finds some sort of necklace that I guess is supposed to do something. (I don’t know how the show works.) The takeaway from this scene is that when he uncovers the “idol,” he says, “Bingo, boys. Here is what Johnny Rock been looking for.” He calls himself Johnny Rock.

- After a lot of rigamarole at the Tribal Council about votes and idols and double-crossing, there is a revote, so Rocker switches his vote for elimination from Baylor to Val, stage-whispering, “AH TOLJA TA PLAY YER IDOL. NOW AH’M GONNA LOOK LIKE A LIAR TA YER HUSBUN.” Sure enough, Val gets eliminated. BAYLOR ALWAYS FINDS A WAY TO WIN.

- On the NEXT WEEK ON “SURVIVOR” preview, it’s basically 100% about John Rocker. Jeremy reveals to his tribe that John Rocker is “a guy who said a bunch of racist stuff” and the editing makes it appear as though he tries to instigate a fight with a guy on the other tribe. And he makes a “yap-yap-yap” hand motion.

- People sneak off in the middle of the night to night-cam hold secret meetings in the woods. This is stupid. I haven’t watched “Survivor” before, but I am aware of the pop culture trope about “forming an alliance to vote someone off the island.” The problem is that most of the people on this show appear to be forming alliances and doing things in secret just because it’s expected of them, not because their motivations or actions or decisions make any sense at all.

- People keep breaking or losing their flint. It’s like the one thing they need to keep track of and they keep screwing it up royally.

- People keep referencing previous seasons and contestants. I don’t get your inside jokes, weirdos. Dumb it down for me. When do Mike and Coral show up?

- The reward for Loved One Challenge is a package of fishing gear, including a mask and flippers? Probst says, “Get some fish and change your world.” Yeah, you might want to dial it back several notches, dude. Everyone already has beans. Beans are great.

- Every five minutes, Probst has to ask soul-searching questions of people on this “Double Dare”-level game show. He asks the remaining twin, “Is this the only time you’ve truly been without your sister?” In response, she immediately breaks down into tears. You will see her in one to 10 days. You’re not going to die on this island. Sheesh. Nice contestants, guys. Really great job.

- I guess, for some reason, you can barter with Jeff Probst? The tribe that won the fishing gear is like, hey, we lost our flint, so we’ll trade you beans for another flint. Probst points out what a stupid attempt at bartering that is and counter-offers that they give up the fishing equipment for another flint. So they accept. Because everyone on this show is an idiot.

- Jon seems more relaxed this week.

- JOHN AND JEREMY COME BACK FROM EXILE ISLAND ON A FRIGGING “JUNGLE CRUISE” BOAT.

- Probst does live play-by-play for everything. I understand this makes for (slightly) better television, but man alive, that must be INSUFFERABLE for the people standing next to him. “Yeah, Jeff, I’m watching it, too.”

- When Probst announces there will be a revote, CBS immediately puts “#REVOTE” up on the screen. This revote lasts less than two minutes. You’re not going to catch a trending topic with hashtag revote.

In conclusion, please use this image every college football Saturday: