John Rocker threatens to knock someone’s teeth out on ‘Survivor’

Could it be that we’ve come to the end of the road? Will this be the week that our intrepid ... whatever ... John Rocker gets voted off the proverbial island? Or the actual island, since this is literally “Survivor?” Read on and find out!

If you need to get caught up, you can find the recap of the first episode here and the recap of the second episode here.

- The episode opens up immediately following last week’s elimination of Val. John talks about how he was unable to keep his promise to rival tribesperson Jeremy that he would keep Jeremy’s wife, Val, safe. John says, “I don’t know what else to do. I had inside information. I couldn’t go against the alliance of five.” He also didn’t REALLY try THAT hard to keep her from being eliminated, but whatever.

Also, John Rocker in night vision is a terrifying abomination.

- “I like the five guy alliance. I think it’s solid.” John Rocker: he doesn’t cotton to no woman alliance. He also likes Five Guys, probably.

- “I feel bad as for Jeremy. I gave him my word as a man that I’d take care of his wife.” OH YOUR WORD AS A MAN OH SNAP THAT’S WORTH LIKE THREE LADY-WORDS. He admits to his tribe and to everyone else that he was working with a guy on the other team. That’s bad, apparently. Even though every person is out for themselves. Wait, this is the John Rocker section, not the “Survivor” is stupid section. My apologies.

- After John’s team wins the opening challenge, John whispers to Jeremy as he leaves, “I did everything I could for you, brother. I swear to you.” Jeremy, to his credit, thinks John is full of bullcrap and says, “I’m out to get him now. point blank.”

- Julie, John’s girlfriend, goes off in the woods and starts crying for no real reason. She almost exclusively refers to Rocker as “my boyfriend John.” She says, “I never thought in my wildest dreams that Blood vs. Water would be so difficult. He’s put me in this position and it’s hard.” It’s ... not really clear what “position” she’s in. No one cares to elaborate, though.

Meanwhile, back at Julie’s team’s camp, Jeremy fills everyone in on the mysterious John Rocker. “Y’all don’t know who John Rocker is. I know he is. He said a whole bunch of racist and homosexual [sic] stuff.” The other members of the tribe are not pleased as they hear about a third-hand account of a Sports Illustrated article from 20 years ago.

- Natalie, whose twin was voted out in the first episode, seems the most upset about John Rocker’s comments from a long time ago (as described by Jeremy). “I want the other tribe to grow a pair of balls and stand up against him,” she says.

- Back at his tribe’s camp, John tries to make nice with everyone by catching them a delicious fish. He swaggers up to camp holding a fish and humblebrags, “How would everybody feel about ... UH ONE MORE CATFISH?” In a testimonial, he takes pride in “providing for” his tribe.

- After the Immunity Challenge, which John’s team loses for the third straight episode, Natalie starts barking at John, taking offense to ... it isn’t really clear what she’s taking offense to, really, since John didn’t really do anything untoward, or at least nothing that several other people during the challenge didn’t also do. It basically feels like manufactured drama. It doesn’t feel any LESS like manufactured drama when she offers the jab, “Why don’t you say something homophobic or racist, like in the past?” That is a bad line reading, Natalie.

John responds by getting incredibly angry and firing back, “Hey mouth, save it.” More words were exchanged until finally John looks right at her and says, “If you were a man, I’d knock your teeth out.”

Julie makes a throat-slashing gesture and yells, “JOHN! Stop!” John then offers to no one in particular, “Take all this stuff down [the obstacle course separating the two tribes] and let’s fight.” YES LET’S FIGHT. FISTFIGHTS: THE CORNERSTONE OF “SURVIVOR.”

- Rocker takes more offense in another testimonial. “Natalie called me a homophobe today. Really? My closest ally is a gay man. Actions and accusations don’t really gel.” Yep, John Rocker just pulled the “my best friend is gay” defense, without having to actually say he’s friends with a gay person.

- There is then like a solid 10 minutes of machinations and whispered meetings of great importance as the various members of John’s tribe discuss who they will vote off. John wants to get rid of Dale, because he’s old. Alec, the biggest idiot on the show, is reluctant to vote against John, saying, “I just don’t see how getting rid of our biggest athlete is gonna help.” And suddenly, Alec is the smartest person on the show. It’s that easy.

- John makes this face when Jaclyn says some of the people in this tribe need to grow some balls:

- Baylor writes John’s name on a piece of paper and stage-whispers at the camera “YOU ARE A NEGATIVE.”

- And the big reveal: John (or as some people wrote, “Jon”), gets voted out, four votes against two votes for Baylor. He brings up his torch to get it extinguished and busts out the best moment of the show so far:

- John laments afterward: “I guess the best-laid plans don’t always play out.” Not sure what your plans were, nor am I certain they were particularly well-laid, but whatever. Bye, Felicia.

- There’s suddenly an ass-ton of night vision (or faux-night vision) after it not being present at all in the first two episodes.

- Members of Julie’s tribe complain about a guy who wants to nap and doesn’t want to weave palm fronds for the roof of their shelter. The tribe members say that shirking responsibilities doesn’t make people trust them. But they’re ... in a competition against each other?

- This show is ostensibly about roughing it and surviving in the wild, but everything’s just “Double Dare.” People are just hanging out and crying or sniping at each other in between physical challenges. It seems like a pretty chill vacation without Jeff Probst popping up every 17 minutes to be like “HOW ANGRY DID DEBRA MAKE YOU, PAUL?” I’m just hoping next week’s challenge involved them having to find an orange flag hidden in a giant nose.

- Probst’s running, live commentary during challenges is still MASSIVELY annoying and I don’t know how the hell the contestants can put up with it. A perfect analogy would be if Joe Buck was calling the NLCS, BUT WAS ALSO THE HOME PLATE UMPIRE.

- Again with crying when a loved one gets sent to Exile Island. They’re ALREADY on different teams. They ALREADY DON’T SEE EACH OTHER OVERNIGHT. The only consequence of being on Exile Island is that you’re SLIGHTLY FARTHER AWAY from your loved one.

- The show never takes a moment to explain any part of the show. That’s fine. I get that the audience for “Survivor” is “people who have watched every ‘Survivor.’” But they make a big deal of the idol that John found in episode two and after he gets voted off, he grouses, “I had an idol in my pocket the whole time.” But they never once explain what the idol does and I still don’t know. I have gleaned that if you feel you MIGHT be voted off, you present it PRIOR to the votes? If this is the case, this is stupid and also it seems like it would be much more compelling television if you presented it AFTER the votes, like:

“John, you’ve been voted off.”

“Oh, have I? SIKE. OWNED.”

But that’s probably just me. The guy who doesn’t watch “Survivor.”

In conclusion: