5 fake trades for the 2014 MLB trade deadline

Fake trades are the worst. People who make fake trades are the worst. Here are some fake trades.

I’m emboldened by two things. First, the Astros’ database leak helped us learn that baseball teams really do offer each other stupid trades in the weeks before the deadline. Second, I stumbled across this fake trade from 2012, and I laughed for an hour:

To the Royals
Gavin Floyd

To the White Sox
Yordano Ventura
Jeremy Jeffress
Vin Mazzaro

Upset with Dayton Moore, Royals fans? Well, you could have had me as the GM. You could have had me.

I’ll need these laughs in 2016, so fake trades ahoy!

Cliff Lee is expensive, but the Mariners are one of the few contending teams that aren’t close to their payroll ceiling. They have money, even after Robinson Cano, and they would likely spend that money in the offseason on someone who isn’t as good as Lee. His presence next year takes the burden off Taijuan Walker (and James Paxton), and he helps the Mariners compete for the division and wild card this year. They get him for a player who doesn’t fit on the current roster, too.

The Phillies aren’t going to get a huge prospect haul, considering a) Lee’s still owed $25 million next year with a vesting option after that and b) he’s on the DL right now, which is more than a little disconcerting. But it would be hard to screw up a trade return of Franklin...

/Ruben Amaro screws up a trade return of Franklin

Still, it’s a chance worth taking, especially if Chase Utley will waive his no-trade clause. Franklin’s an heir apparent for an organization that needs one. Would the Mariners need to include an extra arm, like Yoervis Medina? I have no idea. I’m just making this all up. But perhaps. I think the elegance of a one-for-one trade, no salary relief, makes this one pop.

Note: I want to punch this trade right in the nose. As scared as I am of Pederson and Seager in the coming years, a year-and-a-half of Price behind Clayton Kershaw, Zack Greinke, and Hyun-Jin Ryu is unfair, and that’s assuming the Dodgers don’t re-sign him, which they would. Us writer types would spill digital ink on the $80 million annual commitments to aging pitchers, who tend to disappear at the worst time. The Dodgers would ignore us to print more money to throw at younger pitchers.

The Rays will get a huge return for Price, and the Dodgers match up because they can look at Price as something more than an 18-month rental. This probably isn’t the first fake trade with these exact players, and it won’t be the last. But that’s because it makes too much sense.

The Pirates didn’t do anything this offseason. That’s weird, right? Feels like that’s weird. It would have been natural for them to spend a little money on reinforcements, rather than hope Francisco Liriano remained healthy/effective. This would be the big splash, then -- a rental to excite the summer crowd and give the Pirates a fantastic three-headed monster for the playoff hunt.

They’d have to give up their #2 prospect going into the season, though, a pitcher who was the #22 prospect in baseball (as per Baseball America) before the season started. Taillon is out for the year following Tommy John surgery, so there’s a huge risk for the Red Sox, too. Pitching prospects are already risky, but ones with arms that arrive pre-busted are doubly so.

Still, teams are confident enough in Tommy John surgery to do things like draft an injured pitcher ninth overall and give him full slot value. This deal has the broadest risk/reward spectrum the Red Sox would find, but they’re deep enough to take the risk.

The Giants need a second baseman, but Zobrist’s ability to play all over the infield and outfield gives them options (and leverage) with both Pablo Sandoval and Michael Morse, free agents after the season. Zobrist is budget-friendly for next season as well, which is important to them.

The cost is steep, though, considering Crick is the only top-100 prospect left in a barren system. The Giants would probably prefer to trade quantity over quality and get someone like Martin Prado, but the competition will be stiff for second basemen, with the A’s, Orioles, and Blue Jays all fighting for the same players. That means not only would the Giants give up their top prospect, but they’d have to throw in a reliever, too.

I’m not a fan of this trade, by the by. I’m just writing it up because I’m expecting something like it to happen. If there’s a chance the Giants could replace Crick with a catcher like Andrew Susac or Hector Sanchez, they’d jump on it. The Rays are going to be greedy with this fire sale, though, as they should be.

In return for Cron, the Angels get an instant bullpen, just add water and prospects. With Street, Benoit, and Joe Smith, the team’s biggest weakness in April would turn into one of its biggest strengths in October. It would sting, but you can’t argue with the return.

The Angels have said they don’t want to break up the major league roster for a trade, which is code for “We don’t want to trade C.J. Cron.” So the Padres will have to do the reverse talk-radio, which is overwhelm the other team with major leaguers until they can’t refuse. Cron has the raw power to hit six, maybe seven homers in Petco Park every year, which is exactly what the Padres need.

(Maybe eight.)

There you have it. Five fake trades. Did you read that whole thing? You fool. Fake trades are the worst. They’re the Peanut M&Ms of baseball writing, in that my teeth will fall out if I don’t stop, but I can’t stop because they’re so enjoyable. Mmmm, empty calories.

Now yell at me in the comments.