These 58 MLB players won’t have a nickname on their jerseys because they hate fun

Not every player in Major League Baseball has decided to wear a nickname on the back of their jersey the weekend of Aug. 25. Don’t worry, though, as we’re here to point out the nickname-less players, team by team, so we can collectively wonder why they are like this.

To save you from having to count: 58 players skipped nicknames for Players Weekend. Well, maybe 59. That one is a judgment call.

Red Sox: Everyone has a nickname, you’re off the hook, Boston

Yankees: Brett Gardner went with “Gardner” which, you know. The Yankees don’t wear their names on their jerseys, but that’s no excuse.

Rays: Corey Dickerson, I get it, your nickname using “Dick” probably was rejected by MLB. I don’t know what Austin Pruitt and Taylor Featherston’s excuses are.

Orioles: Seth Smith, what are you doing, your last name is literally “Smith.” Ruben Tejada will look like a real rube with his real name on his jersey. Wade Miley, Dylan Bundy, Richard Bleier, Donnie Hart, Miguel Castro, and Mark Trumbo: who hurt you?

Blue Jays: Only Steve Pearce stuck with his actual name. We’re disappointed, but maybe you haven’t fully shed your true Orioles’ nature yet.

Indians: Jose Ramirez went with “Ramirez” so I’m not even going to bother coming up with a joke.

Royals: Ian Kennedy and Mike Minor are disappointments here, but at least two Kansas City players made it so their jerseys combine to say “Sledge Hammer.”

Twins: You knew Joe Mauer wouldn’t have a nickname: nicknames are too flashy for him. Ryan Pressly missed an opportunity to make sure no one confuses him with Alex Presley. If the jerseys had been presented differently, we would have gotten a “Buddy Rogers” combo, so I’m docking points for that missed opportunity.

Tigers: Congrats to the Tigers on being the second team all nicknamed up, and to Alex Presley for differentiating himself from Ryan Pressly.

White Sox: And the White Sox make it three teams we’re not mad at.

Astros: You just knew the Captain of the Fun Police, Brian McCann, wouldn’t have a nickname. Maybe he’s been a bad influence on George Springer and Dallas Keuchel.

Mariners: Ben Gamel definitely should have had a nickname, because I assumed he was Mat Gamel. Mike Zunino, you’ve got a Z in your name, like, Z Man is right there if you’re lazy as heck. Just pretend!

Angels: I was afraid Mike Trout would lack a nickname, but he’s got one, so the Angels are in the clear.

Rangers: Nicknames all around.

Athletics: Whether the A’s all have nicknames or not depends on how you feel about Jed Lowrie changing the back of his jersey to “Jed.”

Nationals: The number of players without nicknames on the Nats and the number of times they’ve advanced past the NLDS is the same number.

Marlins: The Marlins all rose to the challenge and have nicknames.

Braves: See previous joke about not getting a dick-based nickname through MLB for R.A. Dickey. What? There are 30 teams and more than one dick. Luke Jackson somehow didn’t come up with a nickname on a team that has “King Krol” on it, so that decision looks even worse in retrospect.

Mets: The Mets all have nicknames, and management didn’t even force them to all make said nickname “Tebow” for merchandising purposes, either.

Phillies: Aaron Nola, Daniel Nava, Nick Pivetta, and Cameron Perkins... you are all disappointments to me.

Cubs: Jon Lester developed some power since coming to the Cubs, but apparently not a sense of humor. Tommy La Stella is also guilty of this, but it’s almost made up for by Carl Edwards Jr. going by “Carl’s Jr.”

Brewers: The Brewers not only have nicknames, but Eric Thames went with a Korean one, Sang Namja.

Cardinals: Paul DeJong, Carson Kelly, Matthew Bowman, Greg Garcia, Lance Lynn, Jedd Gyorko, Zach Duke, and Brett Cecil: congratulations on tying the Orioles for the most players without a nickname.

Pirates: For a bunch of sea-based outlaws, the Pirates did a good job following the rules.

Reds: Bronson Arroyo has “Free Love” on his jersey, which is not a nickname so much as an advertisement that’s giving me a twitch. Otherwise everything here is on the up and up.

Dodgers: Corey Seager, how are you going to have no nickname when Kyle Seager put “Corey’s Brother” on his jersey? Scott Kazmir was similarly boring, as was Josh Fields.

Diamondbacks: Zack Greinke should have used an old World of Warcraft character name of his or something.

Rockies: Greg Holland gave us nothing, which is extra disappointing for a closer. Maybe Pat Neshek getting traded at the deadline held up jersey production for him. Pat Valaika, smh.

Padres: They could all be nicknames as far as you know, but I’ve double-checked. Wil Myers, Carlos Asuaje, Matt Szczur, Hector Sanchez, Miguel Diaz, Clayton Richard, and Jarred Cosart are the disappointments in San Diego. One shy of tying the Cards and O’s for the most.

Giants: Joe Panik, Josh Osich, Conor Gillaspie, Cory Gearrin, and Brandon Belt should all be shamed for their lack of nicknames.