The Brewers may be up 2-0, but the horrors of Coors Field await in the NLDS

Hello, Brewers fans. I’m here to talk about Coors Field. The Milwaukee Brewers played four games at Coors Field this season, and they won one of those games. That’s okay. It wasn’t a big deal. Sometimes these things happen.

The year before, the Brewers played three games at Coors, and they won one of those games. Still seems normal. Just a team playing on the road, where they’re at an inherent disadvantage.

The year before that, the Brewers played three games at Coors, and they won one of those games. Still not a big deal. Where are am I going with this?

We’re still in small-sample territory, but here’s the point: Coors Field is a living, pulsing demon, and it will suck your soul through a straw until it makes that no-more-liquid-all-gone slurrrrp sound. If you’re a Brewers fan, you just don’t know this yet. You think it’s a normal ballpark from a team in a different division. It’s like Marlins Park or Petco Park or Citi Field.

It’s not. It is a death pit, and we’ll see you all for Game 5 on Wednesday.

This seems extreme. This seems hyperbolic. We all know about the altitude and the thin air, and that’s probably all we need to know, right? Balls go farther there, fine. Don’t see what the big deal is.

The big deal is ALL OF IT, YOU IDIOTS, RUN, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND, RUN, RUNNNNNNN. Ha ha, sorry, just a knee-jerk reaction, I’m fine, but you should probably run. Anyway, this is all to say that the odds are good that the Rockies will even up the series this weekend, and there will be a Game 5 after Coors Field masticates the very essence of Brewers fans everywhere.

It’s not just the thin air. It’s not just that baseballs go farther there. It’s much, much more than that. It’s things like ...

The powers that be realized that a normal-sized ballpark would be a mess with the thin air, and I promise you that this is a good thing. Coors Field with 330 down the lines and 400 in center would be an absolute abomination. It would make the Crawford Boxes seem like AT&T Park.

So they gave the ballpark extra room in the outfield. Which, again, was fine. It just came with unintended consequences. The baseballs ... they fall in. Over and over again, when there are runners at the corners and two outs, when the bases are loaded, when the bases are empty at the start of an inning, the baseballs fall in. You see it off the bat and think, “Phew,” because you’re a smart person who has seen a lot of balls leave a bat, and then the camera cuts to the outfield shot, and you realize that your team’s outfielder is sprinting in from three zip codes away.

This does not affect the Rockies. They have been vaccinated for this. This will only affect your team. Over and over again, especially if you have a one-run lead. This is how D.J. LeMahieu has a career .298 batting average and a 92 OPS+ at the same time.

Enjoy your one-run lead in the eighth inning, Brewers.

That is, the grounds crew cuts the grass short, so grounders go through to the outfield quicker. I actually don’t know if this is still true, but it seems like it.

You’ll notice this when Nolan Arenado stops a ball that your third baseman doesn’t. Trevor Story, too, depending on who’s starting at short for your team. Again, I’m telling you, the Rockies have been vaccinated for this.

It’s not just that the Rockies sat all of their pitchers down last week and said, “Folks, we’re gonna have to try something different here, what with all the thin air.” They’ve been preparing for it all season. They’ve been preparing for it before this season. They draft with this mindset. They develop with this mindset.

Kyle Freeland isn’t just doing well at Coors; he’s designed to do well at Coors. He was born and bred to pitch in Colorado, and that’s apparently the secret. Everyone else in the organization has been molded and shaped throughout the minors, fully prepared for the horrors that await them.

Wade Miley is going to be, like, “Oh, right, Coors. I’ve pitched there before. No big deal. I’m totally 3-1 there in four career starts. Whatever.” He has already given up three earned runs in Game 3, though. He’ll be warming up in the bullpen and the reliever that’s going to relieve him will also be warming up at the same time, like an out-of-body experience.

Somehow this will come up, and it won’t be in your favor, Brewers. You might get one! It’ll go into the bullpen in right-center, which is the hot part of the yard, and you’ll think, “Wow! This park does this for everyone!” And then the Rockies will get a home run right back, as if you’re fighting Dark Link in the Water Temple. Then they’ll get another one, just to hammer home the idea that your team is stupid and bad and out of its depth.

You think I’m being hyperbolic, but I’m just speaking as someone who has watched my favorite team in Coors Field about 150 times over the last two decades. This place will chew you up and spit you out, and then a hellhound will come by and lick up the part that was spit out, and then it’ll spit you out again. This is just how the ballpark works.

I hear it’s a beautiful park.

This isn’t to say that the Brewers are doomed, or that the Rockies are guaranteed to come back. It’s just to say that a Game 5 is far, far likelier than it should be.

If I’m wrong, I win. If I’m right, I told you so. I have no skin in this game. My only advice for you is to be prepared. My only other advice for you is to warn you that you will absolutely not be prepared. It’s Coors Field, and it’s going to cause you pain.

Edit: Never mind.