President Trump turns to pandemic expert and ex-MLB player Alex Rodriguez for Covid-19 advice

Friday brought the world a decidedly odd news tidbit. Amidst the seething torrent of death toll tickers, ventilator shortages, harrowing accounts from frontline doctors and hopeful hints of improved SARS-CoV-2 testing, we were treated to the knowledge that President Donald Trump had called Alex Rodriguez for feedback on the Covid-19 pandemic.

Yes, that Alex Rodriguez. Apparently the call was a pleasant one.

Given that the president would have no reason to ask a former baseball player about a serious medical crisis unless that baseball player is some sort of medical expert, the only plausible conclusion is Rodriguez is a secret epidemiologist, intimately familiar with the grim realities of pandemics. Congrats to Rodriguez for developing this talent (and hiding it) over the course of a spectacular Major League career!

This surprising information does make me wonder what other emergency responders might be hiding amongst the ranks of baseball players past and present. Let’s make some guesses:

Earthquake — Prince Fielder is such an avid seismologist he once set up an impromptu seismograph using his teammates as detectors. We’re calling him when the San Andreas Fault goes.

Extreme Weather — Angels star Mike Trout doesn’t even hide his taste for meteorology. He’s your man in a storm.

Wildfire — Ichiro knows fire better than any other baseball player alive, what with being pure [fire emojis] at everything he does.

Asteroid Impact — Houston Astros second baseman Jose Altuve would be the man to talk to if you wanted to figure out whether an impending collider is going to maintain its current course or suddenly change trajectory. Wouldn’t want an asteroid banging into us.

Coronal Mass Ejection — Honestly I think we’re fucked at this point, but we might as well call Ichiro again to see if he has any extra magic going.