Joel Przybilla recently recovered from knee surgery. Marcus Camby is sidelined for the next couple of weeks with knee issues of his own. Greg Oden will miss the entire season on account of being Greg Oden. These men are all, by job description, centers for the Portland Trail Blazers. This means that LaMarcus Aldridge is often the tallest Blazer on the court, but understandably, he does not want anyone to call him a center:
LaMarcus Aldridge Is Sort Of The Blazers’ Center, But Never Call Him A Center
“We’ve been in a horror movie for three years,” Aldridge said. “Any guy that has played center has gone down for us. If you look three or four years, Joel went down, Camby went down now, Greg went down. That’s why I’m always a power forward.
If he is the tallest Blazer on the court? Well, then, I suppose the Blazers just don’t have a center. So how do you know which positions are which in Portland? Here is a handy guide:
Center is now Power Forward.
Power Forward is now Small Forward.
Small Forward is now Shooting Guard.
Shooting Guard is now Point Guard.
Point Guard is now Sixth Man.
Sixth Man is now Court Steward.
Court Steward is now Assistant Court Steward.
Assistant Court Steward is now Team Fire Marshal.
Team Fire Marshal is now Appropriator of Mid-Court Affairs.
Appropriator of Mid-Court Affairs is now Neighborhood Watch Captain.
Neighborhood Watch Captain is now Vice Shooting Guard.
Vice Shooting Guard is now Treasurer.
Treasurer is now Close-Range Comptroller.
Close-Range Comptroller is now Team Ambassador to Norway.
Team Ambassador to Norway is now Special Consultant to Free-Throw Shooter.
Special Consultant to Free Throw Shooter is now Greg Oden.
Greg Oden assumes dual responsibilities as both Special Consultant to Free Throw Shooter and Greg Oden.
This is Page 1 of a 150-page order of succession. Unfortunately, it is written in quill ink on a 65-yard length of cloth draped over the mouth of a chasm winding into the Earth’s core, and I am too busy (and scared!) to transcribe it.
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