How Brooklyn Nets Can Cut In On Knicks
These are the hipsters. Residing in the Brooklyn neighborhoods of Williamsburg and Bushwick these post-modern tastemakers are ripe for the picking for any team who knows what attracts them. Our suggested gameplan follows.
1. Create a ping pong and classic arcade game lounge.
2. Pabst is too mainstream now. Brew your own beer and artisanal moonshine on premises.
3. The Barclays Center as a speakeasy. Make the arena accessible only by a combination of a spoken password and secret entrance. Create an entrance in a fake stall in the public restroom at Target across the street in the Atlantic Center Mall modeled after the entrance used by PDT in Manhattan’s East Village. Or create a dummy auto body shop through which one can gain entrance like the Lower East Side’s The Back Room and their fake entrance through a non-functioning toy store.
4. Instead of seats which are difficult to sit in while wearing $300 skinny jeans use concentric rings of low walls that hipsters can lean on. Install iPhone and iPad chargers every five feet.
6. Reissue Sam Bowie, Chris Morris and Yinka Dare’s jerseys exclusively for the arena team store.
7. Organic food trucks circling the top level using ingredients grown on the arena’s roof farm.
8. Norwegian twins Orfus and Lorfus acting as DJ, playing music created from modified Nintendo Gameboys, answering machine tapes and Russian immigrants asking for directions.
9. Gingham team uniforms.
10. Adderall night.
11. Allow those who attend five or more home games to use GM Billy King as a reference on their resumes. Ten or more and owner Mikhail Prokhorov will be available as a personal reference and will answer phone calls from prospective employers.
12. Instead of a dance squad, a LARP squad.
13. A Brook Lopez comic book and blanket fort stand at the Brooklyn Flea.
14. Zooey Deschanel, mascot.
15. Instead of tickets denoting static seating arrangements create a fluid, hierarchical system in which attendees silently judge each other to decide which areas are the coolest to ignore the game from.
