The NBA All-Star Game Hits Hollywood: Kobe And LeBron Co-Star, And Carmelo Is The Backstory

All-Star Weekend has come and gone, and here’s what we know: Carmelo Anthony is still a member of the Denver Nuggets, Blake Griffin is the NBA’s new favorite son, the NBA does halftime shows much better than the NFL, LeBron James is totally incredible, and Kobe Bryant is still the NBA’s Alpha Dog.

In between, there was Justin Bieber, Snoop Dogg, Rihanna’s thighs, Deron Williams pulling a Carmelo Anthony, and of course, throngs of groupies. A lot of people call All-Star Weekend the “Black Super Bowl”, but that feels a little racist as a white person. Besides, isn’t the “Groupie Super Bowl” just as accurate?

It’s a surreal blend of actual news and business, background noise, two-way pagers, and pure spectacle. If All-Star Weekend’s supposed to be a reflection of the league, in general, than the NBA is healthier, crazier, and more entertaining than ever (note: the previous sentence was sponsored by KIA Motors and T-Mobile). And unlike last year, this time, I watched from home like everyone else.

So no, there were no chance encounters with Jay-Z and Puff Daddy this year... So it goes. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy All-Star Weekend through the eyes and ears (and tweets) of others.

Right?

RIGHT?!

For instance, there was this:

“Yeah, so I was just talking to a friend about Snoop Dogg, and then Snoop pops up behind me talking about Nickelodeon shit. I was like, ‘Is this really happening?’ Then I remembered I was at All-Star Weekend. Of course.” AWESOME.

As for the rest of the weekend, let’s break it down in sections...

BIEBER BIEBER BIEBER BIEBER BIEBER BIEBER On Friday night, Justin Bieber dominated played and didn’t die in the celebrity game, so naturally, he won the MVP. And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he was a 16 year-old Canadian with a bowl cut and the voice of an 11 year-old girl.

He also sat courtside in L.A. on Sunday night, which... For God’s sake, even Jack Nicholson got pushed back to the third row. But there was Biebs, front and center. I don’t hate him, I think, but it’s time we start taking a closer look at what’s going on here. Clearly, there are dark forces pulling the strings for this kid. Or maybe he is the dark force.

In any case, his celebrity game MVP provides a good segue to my biggest beef with All-Star Weekend this year. Any game that features Bieber and fan-voted will inevitably end with Bieber taking home the trophy. Which is fine for a celebrity All-Star game, but...

THERE’S WAY TOO MUCH FAN VOTING It’s cool that the NBA wants to engage fans and give them a voice, but when you start giving fans a say in something like the Slam Dunk contest or the All-Star Game MVP, you’re basically turning it into one, gigantic popularity contest. It’s annoying enough that fans get to vote in the All-Star starters every year, but now they’re choosing who wins? I know this makes me sound like a grumpy old man, but, well, JAVALE MCGEE WAS ROBBED, DAMNIT.

If the NBA really wants to involve the fans, they should have fans vote on the dunk contest participants every year. Or let them choose an extra event for All-Star Saturday night. Anything, really. But do we really have to turn actual events into American Idol?

YEAH, ABOUT THAT DUNK CONTEST... We’ve got a video recap of every dunk from Saturday night, and it’s a pretty fantastic way to waste a half hour if you’re so inclined. With that... The Javalevator!

Based on the first round dunks, Blake Griffin shouldn’t have even made it to the finals, but let’s be honest: there was no way the NBA was going to miss out on such an amazing marketing opportunity. The NBA’s most popular young superstar dunking over one of the league-sponsored KIA Optimas? Even Don Draper was impressed.

It was actually kind of great how shameless the whole thing was--like, in hindsight, there was NO QUESTION that Blake Griffin was going to advance. You can get grumpy about it, but it’s a whole lot more fun to just smile at how ridiculous the whole thing’s become. I mean, it’s the NBA! After the Haier Shooting Stars competition and the Foot Locker Three Point Shootout, did you expect anything less than Blake Griffin cross-promoting for KIA in the final round?

It’s just a shame that nobody could dunk a basketball while eating Taco Bell’s new steak burrito, drinking sprite and pumping up his Reeboks. All while a teammate takes video on his T-Mobile phone, of course. That’s how Demar Derozan will win in 2012. Also...

WHO DOESN’T LOVE JAVALE MCGEE? He may not have won the dunk contest, but I’m just thrilled America finally experienced the roller coaster of emotions that comes with watching the Javalevator. Some of the things he tries to pull off... It’s like watching a puppy try to jump on the kitchen counter.

I’m telling you, Wizards fans have been saying these things for three years now. And that’s exactly how it played out on Saturday night. Dunking three balls? Dunking on two baskets? I mean, God. Also, he gets bonus points for being the first dunk contest participant to involve his mother. The same mother that described him as Dirk Nowitzki mixed with Michael Jordan. Even better that she nearly made out with Julius Erving.

WHO DOESN’T LOVE NBA GROUPIES? The winner for best groupie-related tweet is a tie between an old author (Roland Lazenby) and a rapper (Chamillionaire). Naturally.

The second one makes you wonder. What exactly does Chamillionaire mean by “professional” there? Are the NBA groupies more efficient than other groupies? Better looking? More organized as a collective? And if there’s a Professional Sports Wives Magazine, then NBA All-Star Weekend begs the question, why don’t groupies have some sort of publicity machine to trade on?

In any case, let’s make sure to look at the bigger picture here: When a rapper is amazed by the groupie scene at an event, then you can be quite certain, things are SERIOUS out there.

THE LOST STORY OF SATURDAY NIGHT Just as the commotion died down at Staples on Saturday, CBS Sports dropped this note on Twitter, and then in their latest Carmelo report: “A person with knowledge of the conversations told CBSSports.com on Saturday that Jazz point guard Deron Williams began informing close associates after last season that if Stoudemire wound up in New York, Williams would follow him there as a free agent in 2012.”

To which you might say... “Um, isn’t that what Chris Paul was going to do? And Dwight Howard?”

It could lead to a fascinating scenario for New York. Because you know how the entire NBA has been debating between Deron Williams and Chris Paul for the past six months? Well, in the next year or so, the New York Knicks might have to choose between them. And even now, it’s still a toss-up. On the one hand, CP’s probably the better point guard, but on the other, he’s been playing hurt for the better part of two years, and at some point, it seems inevitable that he’ll break down. So what about Deron Williams in a Knicks uniform?

AS FOR CARMELO... Even though Mikhail Prokhorov basically admitted that the only reason he resumed talks with Denver was to drive up the Knicks’ offer to Denver, the Knicks have totally obliged. The latest details have them giving up Wilson Chandler, Eddy Curry, a first round pick, Raymond Felton, AND Danillo Gallinari. It’s amazing. After playing hardball for six months, James Dolan took control and said, “You know what? Here, we’ll just give you EVERYONE.”

Now Denver’s holding out for Timofey Mozgov, the Knicks are resisting, and somehow, this whole saga has turned into even more of a parody of itself. And remember: there’s still a decent chance that Carmelo Anthony is nothing more than Glenn Robinson Jr. He looked terrible in L.A. Sunday night, and he’s looked completely disinterested all year in Denver. And maybe he’ll be rejuvenated in NYC, maybe he won’t. But if the Knicks give up every tradeable asset they have to land him, doesn’t it seem like a decision that’s destined to haunt them for the next decade?

YEP, THIS COMMERCIAL SUMS UP THE NBA IN 2011. It’s almost too perfect.

And no, we’re not going to include that damn Charles Barkley autotuned song that’s definitely stuck in your head after this weekend. I may be I may be wrong.... SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP.

FINALLY, WE GET TO THE GAME ITSELF... There were a few things that resonated during the actual game on Sunday night, but nobody stood out more than Kobe Bryant LeBron James. It didn’t happen until the second half, and even then, his outburts were sporadic, but watching him go into “Kill Mode” is still a spectacle that puts every other player to shame. Even Kobe. It doesn’t seem fair. He can go the length of the floor in the blink of an eye, he’s more powerful than any player on the court, and he finishes at the rim better than anyone in the league.

We know these things, but it never stops being incredible: LeBron James can do pretty much whatever he wants on a basketball court. And watching him do it still takes your breath away.

While Kobe had to hog the ball and make a concerted effort to score his 37 points and win MVP, LeBron’s display just seemed so effortless. He finished 29 points, 12 rebounds, and 10 assists, and it just felt so normal. Like, at no point did LeBron make everyone say, “Whoa, LeBron’s got it going tonight.” LeBron was just playing like LeBron, and before you knew it, he had a triple double and he’d erased a double digit West lead to bring the East within two. ‘Course, when he had an open three to really make it a game, he passed to Chris Bosh, who missed badly. And that was the game.

That’s still the LeBron riddle. He can do whatever he wants when it doesn’t matter, but once things get close, even in a meaningless All-Star Game, he’s not going to take the big shot.

He’s got an extra gear that other great players just can’t match. But he still hasn’t found that extra gear that puts him on another level in crunch time. And that’s where we are with LeBron. It’s where we’ve been for a few years now. He’s almost the most unstoppable player we’ve ever seen, but then he stops himself. And yes, I realize I’m talking about an All-Star Game right now. But Sunday night was as good a display as you’ll find when we talk about the two sides of the LeBron Coin.

Speaking of LeBron, I loved Doc Rivers playing mind games with the Miami Heat’s guys during all this. As TNT reported, Doc had the East running all of Miami’s plays as a way of showing that the Celtics knew exactly what the Heat have been running all year. Nothing too crazy, but still kind of an awesome move. Also, Doc only played Kevin Garnett four minutes, but let Dwyane Wade play 20 minutes on a gimpy ankle before he eventually re-injured it. Coincidence, or evil genius? Maybe a little bit of both.

Speaking of evil, I also enjoyed Gregg Popovich playing Kobe for 29 minutes and handing him the keys to West’s team. Nothing too serious, but if you’re the coach of the Spurs and you’re coaching the West, why NOT play Kobe as much as possible and hope he uses up some valuable mojo during a meaningless exhibition game? It’s a fun footnote to the “Kobe is BACK!” stories that’ll be swirling after this weekend.

And as far as Kobe, I’m not saying he’s taking PEDs, but looking at Sunday night’s game and seeing tweets like this, I’m not quite ready to say he’s not. Then again, maybe it’s all just MAGIC.

In any case, Sunday night was one, long victory lap for Kobe. Sort of like Michael Jordan in ‘98. Kobe took over early on, and for some reason, all of his Western Conference teammates were totally comfortable handing him the baton for the entire game.

Watching the whole West team defer to Kobe over and over again on Sunday, it was a little touching and a tribute to Kobe’s persona. As guys like Chris Paul and Kevin Durant fed him all night in front of the L.A. crowd, we learned that even the biggest, most egotistical superstars on the planet aren’t immune to sentiment. Or maybe they’re all just terrified of Kobe?

Probably a little bit of both. Regardless, Sunday’s proof: the sheer force of Kobe’s presence still counts for more than anything else in the NBA, and during a weekend when Hollywood injected the NBA’s greatest spectacle with an extra dose of surrealism, Kobe still outshined everybody. And just like that, Kobe won the MVP in front of his home crowd, and reminded everyone it’s still his league.

Even if ‘Bron’s a little more incredible, he never took that last shot. He’s still chasing Kobe.

Of course, if we’re talking about the REAL MVP of the weekend, and a perfect example of why All-Star Weekend will always be cooler than the Super Bowl, we have to look at Rihanna and Kanye from Sunday’s night. The Black Eyed Peas got nothin’ on Rihanna’s legs...

That’s how you do a halftime show, people. Until next year, I’m off to Google photos of Rihanna...