The Sacramento Bee means well when it presents 22 activities Sacramentans can engage in to fill the void from the likely relocation of the Kings. Like so many slideshows on the web today (cough cough), it’s an iffy premise gone terribly wrong.
Newspaper’s Activity Suggestions For Spurned Kings Fans Both Depressing And Condescending
To wit, suggestion No. 1 is to follow the Sacramento Mountain Lions of the UFL. I know the Kings have been bad, but ... come on! The UFL? Even if a 47-year-old Daunte Culpepper and Denzel Washington's son made a compelling team, the seasons don't even overlap. One would assume if Kings fans really wanted to follow the Mountain Lions, they could do so without giving up the Kings.
But that’s crabcakes compared to Suggestion No. 2: “spend a romantic evening with your significant other.”
This is doubly insulting. It implies that basketball fans don’t already spend romantic evenings with their significant others because, you know, 365 days a year minus 82 game nights equals zero opportunities for romantic evenings. But a step further ... what about Kings fans without romance in their lives? Why don’t you just pour salt directly into their bleeding hearts, Bee?
It gets more depressing when the list suggests following local high school or college sports; the Sacramento State Hornets rarely play well enough to make their conference tournament (the powerful Big Sky!), let alone the Big Dance. There's No. 6 "enjoy the great outdoors," something I certainly love to do year-round but especially wish I could do while the Kings are playing, usually from 7-10 p.m. local time. (If you mash this suggestion up with No. 1, you can enjoy real mountain lions in the great outdoors. Fun!)
Joining an adult kickball league, becoming a wino and doing a dozen things many Kings fans surely already do (like eating food, breathing air and smiling at cute members of the opposite sex) round out the list. If one good thing can come from this, it’s that in his meeting with NBA franchise owners and the commissioner next week, Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson can present the list as evidence the Kings’ relocation will cause mass depression for lack of activities in the city. The NBA Board of Governors is a death panel!
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