Job listings: NBA team mascot

Looking to become an NBA mascot? You’ve come to the right place!

Oct 3, 2012, 3:05 PM UTC

Mark D. Smith-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.

So you’ve decided to become an NBA mascot. You’ve probably seen some of the other job listings out there for basketball mascot positions. We here are SB Nation strive to set ourselves apart from most franchises. We prefer to be up-front and honest about what this job entails and what will be expected of you.

We appreciate your interest in the position. Please include your resume, a headshot of you wearing a big stupid foam head and a demo reel of your best vague breakdancing moves and you moving your arms rapidly up and down like you’re trying to get a crowd to do something.

Responsibilities:

You will be making an absolute fool out of yourself for every second of your professional life.
When a coddled millionaire doesn’t feel up to going to some crummy personal appearance or charity thing, you WILL be sent in his or her stead at a moment’s notice.
Who are we kidding? You’ll be going to every possible personal appearance and charity event regardless.
The condition of anonymity is not necessarily guaranteed.
Sometimes we may need coffee or something; that’ll be you, too. You’re basically the lowest possible rung on the NBA ladder.
David Stern has the right to refuse your personal days and/or sick leave. At some point, we may need to trade you for Al Michaels. Don’t ask; don’t make it weird.

Qualifications:

Must be able to perform a trampoline-assisted dunk. (Full front flip optional; minimum windmill jam a must.) Must know what a “furry” is and be okay with the fact that you are basically a centerfold for them now.
Must have an unusually high threshold for tolerating being hit, kicked, or otherwise assaulted in the nuts and/or crotch area.
Must be prepared to work in a hot, smelly suit that at least at SOME point will have human barf on and/or in it.
Must be licensed to use a T-shirt gun, both semi-automatic and full-auto.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds, because you’ll be carrying a LOT of luggage while you’re here.
No really; you’re gonna get hit in the balls just constantly.
We’re not asking you to be a basketball genius or anything, but you should probably know what, like, a free throw is. (It’s like a penalty kick in soccer, probably.)
Must know the words to the “Seven Nation Army” chant.
Must be able to communicate via hand gestures and borderline-inappropriate crotch thrusts. Must know how to act like you’re trying to fight/eat/mug Spike Lee and/or Jack Nicholson without having them make us fire you.
Must be willing to go to Philadelphia.
We mentioned the thing about the dong-punching, right? Because you’re gonna get worked over every night like Colonel Jessup has ordered a Code Red for your groin.
Must be aware that you’ll be fired with no advance notice and/or replaced by a cuter mascot when (WHEN) the team relocates.