Metta World Peace searching for a more distinctive name

For all the things that can be said about Los Angeles Lakers forward and relentlessly avant-garde human being Metta World Peace, one thing that decidedly cannot be said about him is that he’s lazy. Where other NBA players might spend their offseasons playing video games or getting opaque inspirational tattoos, Metta pushes himself. He’s (apparently) playing a vampire sexlord in a web series. He’s on a Lifetime movie set with such renowned thespians as Jennie Garth and Headline News host and judgment-dispensing murder-clown Nancy Grace. He’s pushing himself. Look at this dude pushing himself:

Metta World Peace is maybe not a great actor, but he clearly worked hard enough at his craft not to scream like a child and start splashing holy water everywhere when a leering Nancy Grace went in for a hug, which is something of an achievement. The point being that Metta World Peace is not about taking it easy. This extends to seizing any and all available opportunities to improve what is already the best name in American professional basketball. (Expand the focus internationally and Sofoklis Schortsanitis enters the equation and changes everything, of course. Of course. But we’re not talking about that. It’s weird that you even brought it up.)

Anyway, the point is that Metta World Peace is looking to change his name, and wants your input. To a certain extent, at least, as he’s already expressed a desire to change it to Jesus Shuttlesworth, or something like it. Or maybe he’s just talking about it on Twitter, just making sounds, anything to dim the memory of those hours on set with Nancy Grace, the way she whispered “Tot Mom” into his ear during their hugging scene, her seething breath redolent of Sucrets and a bottomless, roiling loathing. Anything. Just not that.

As the fourth of MWP’s options suggests, he’s not quite done figuring all this out. With that in mind, I’ve prepared a few other names for his consideration:

- Meat Harvest

- Bewilder Fandango

- Wetta Porld Meace

- Crash Bandicoot

- Keith Sweat

- Lumps Buffman

- Ron Artest

- Reginald Puddington (Note: If MWP chooses this name, he would be required to wear a waistcoat and pocketwatch while on the court)

Again, this conversation is clearly not over. But we owe it to Metta, and ourselves, to have it. If he’s not going to rest, we shouldn’t, either.