Tyler Perry and who else? The ideal Atlanta Hawks owners group

Jason: So, the group selling the team has had as many as eight members. Should we match that number?

Spencer: Yes. At least.

Jason: Big Boi, without a second’s hesitation.

Spencer: In.

Jason: Animatronic Ted Turner.

Spencer: Yes. Controlled by the real Ted Turner, who doesn’t have to ever show up in person.

Jason: The NBA, as operated via laptop on the back of a buffalo in Montana.

Spencer: Still more involved than most owners. That’s two. Tyler Perry, majority owner. Madea dunking contests.

Jason: Can’t fathom a downside.

Jason: “I Can Do Bad Basketball All By Myself.”

Spencer: Jermaine Dupri?

Jason: Fair. Without him there’s no TLC and thus no OutKast and thus no reason to even care if the Hawks leave, due to the city has collapsed.

Spencer: Correct. Also because we want this team to be so, so def. T.I.

Jason: “Hawks owner arrested in Huddle House parking lot for buying a grenade launcher” is a headline we want?

Spencer: Yes.

Jason: Five. Arthur Blank as some sort of an uncle figure?

Spencer: Or Bernie Marcus for aquarium?

Jason: Bernie’s old af though.

Spencer: Oh, no. I know who we’re bringing home. SEACREST

Jason: Not excited about this, but willing to listen.

Spencer: Gotta give something to Cobb County.

Jason: Well, in that case, let’s go get Chipper.

Spencer: It’s either that or Jeff Foxworthy.

Jason: Listen, Cobb County is the home of the Weather Channel. Can the Weather Channel be a co-owner?

Spencer: Yes. Let’s just let the Twitter feed of the Weather Channel be a member.

Jason: Six.

Jason: We’d be justifiably fired on our first day at whatever job we’re giving ourselves if we don’t include Nique.

Spencer: He’s in. Seven. Need one more.

Jason: The ribs at Daddy D’z.

Spencer: Do we go old school and put Dale Murphy on here?

Jason: Reasonable. Let’s also make him the backup music selector, behind Sir Foster. I think Dale could pick out white guy songs that everybody can groove to, based on his interviews in indie rock magazines.

Spencer: Maybe we just put Sir Foster on here, just for enduring all this bad basketball.

Jason: He’s Lord Foster now. That’s a bunch of dudes. Monica Pearson needs to be a VP of something.

Spencer: Special ambassadors, like Dale Murphy, Monica Pearson, Travis Tritt, and Clark Howard.

Jason: Janelle Monae is in charge of all arena lighting and production. Just giving owners duties now. I don’t really know what owners do.

Spencer: Ludacris is our new play-by-play man.

Jason: Radio experience will come in handy once again for Luda.

Spencer: Needs a job, too.

Jason: Head of security: 2 Chainz or Evander Holyfield?

Spencer: Evander, duh.

Jason: True. 2 Chainz is needed at power forward.

Spencer: He and Future are our, um ... future.

Jason: Kim Zolciak lives here, and she’s rich. Those are the top two traits we’re looking for in a partial owner.

Spencer: She’s also married to a white guy named “Kroy,” who’s basically demographically perfect for Atlanta.

Jason: Speaking of, I can’t choose between Harry Douglas, Julio Jones, and Roddy White. If we’re being honest, Roddy is clearly our most representative, but that means daily calls from the commish.

Spencer: Wait. We need someone who can make a group work. A uniter. We need Ernie Johnson.

Jason: I don’t think we can pay him more than he’s making right now.

Spencer: Listen, we don’t need him to quit “NBA on TNT.” We just need him to come down a few blocks and coordinate a discussion.

Jason: But then we’ll be accused of cheating our way to more Hawks coverage on TV ha ha ha just kidding why would anyone ever talk about the Hawks on TV

Spencer: Also these people will be in the same room once every two years, max.

Jason: Just like Goodie Mob.

Spencer: And see how successful they are?

Jason: Elevate Harry the Hawk to an ownership position, and I’m satisfied.

Spencer: He’s a silent partner, because he is a man in a plush suit.