This is what happens when you don’t toss Mufasa off the cliff. He grows old and becomes Kevin Garnett, yelling at the young lions and roaring in everyone’s ears while they all disregard him.
Kevin Garnett is a blowfish
Kevin Garnett has made a career of picking fights and then running away from them. Now that his skills are diminished, the act is sadder than ever.
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On Monday, Garnett threw a ball at Dwight Howard and head-butted him, earning a one-game suspension. Worse: Howard smacked him, and you know what happened? Garnett backed down, like he always does. This is like walking in on your dad tearing up at the Princess Bride.
At this point, KG has to rip someone’s heart out with his bare hands in the center circle to gain any respect. You can’t be tough and get smacked by Dwight Howard. It’s an oxymoron. KG is the kid who doesn’t really want to fight, so he walks shoulder to shoulder with you while talking trash. He’s the “you’re lucky they’re holding me back” guy. He is a blowfish.
It’s not like this one incident is an outlier. Remember when KG made his whole “ready for war” speech? The one before his first-ever Game 7 when he played against the Kings?
“This our Game 7, man. This it. It’s for all the marbles. I’m sitting in the house, I’m loading up the pump. I’m loading up the Uzi. I got a couple M-16s, couple nines. I got a couple joints with some silencers on ‘em. I’m just loading up clips. Couple grenades. Got a missile launcher with a couple, ya know, missiles. I’m ready for war.”
That happened after Anthony Peeler looked the crowd, tossed his elbow pad into the audience, bounced off the ropes and gave KG a uppercut elbow that would make Sub-Zero jealous in Game 6. Then, he punched Garnett in the jaw as well.
This is the KG playbook. It’s one thing to sucker-punch Rick Rickert in the jaw for scoring on you in practice, but another to Harlem Shake away from an angry Antonio McDyess.
But I have to admit: It wasn’t elbowing Zaza Pachulia that made me realize that KG was terrible. It wasn’t even when he made Big Baby cry, because, well, that’s kind of poetic. It was when I remembered he slapped Tim Duncan on the back of his head.
That's just rude and unnecessary. Harming Timmy is a cardinal sin. Tim Duncan dresses like a substitute teacher who's had enough of being hit with spitballs. How can you be mean to him? It's like the episode of The Simpsons when Mr. Burns has Homer throwing food at his employees. When Homer gets too excited and hits Carl with pudding, Mr. Burns gets upset and says "What are you doing man? That's Carl!" Then, Mr. Burns helps Carl wash his face while staring Homer down. Tim Duncan is Carl. Leave him alone.
This is why Kevin Garnett is a blowfish. He’ll hit Andrea Bargnani on top of the head, but will back down against the man formerly known as Ron Artest because it’s a well-known fact that the man formerly known as Ron Artest eats bricks for breakfast. He’ll intimidate Jose Calderon -- a UNICEF ambassador and a man who owns a pig farm -- because, well, he’s a guy who owns a pig farm. There’s no way someone like that can be violent. He raises little piglets. (Probably names one of them Chris P. Bacon or Ham Solo, but that’s besides the point.)
But while Garnett will scare Calderon, he wants to resolve things when M. Bison waits for him outside the locker room.
Why does Carmelo Anthony look like M. Bison with this postgame outfit? C. Bison? pic.twitter.com/JSWQNGpLcf
— SportsNation (@SportsNation) December 2, 2013 This is just who Garnett is, and it's become more apparent now that he's old and diminished. The players all see through his tough guy act. Quentin Richardson called him an actress. The Miami Heat collectively took turns disregarding his existence. Even that thing he does where he butts his chest into you and throws his hands up in the air like someone's pointing a gun at him isn't funny anymore. He's now the guy yelling, like people who try to talk to you with headphones on.
You know who KG reminds me of? Clint Eastwood. At one point, he was the essence of the tough guy and it worked because he was good at what he did. Then, he got old and we saw him lose his powers and mind publicly. Now, no one even acknowledges him. Well, unless he’s yelling at a chair, which I’m sure KG does when he’s not calling players cancer patients.
The point is: If you get smacked by Dwight Howard, it’s time to go home. The show’s over. Pick up the phone in the matrix and go get a day job.
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