On Thursday, the NBA announced that they will begin blood testing players next season, ostensibly for detection of HGH. But I think we may be overlooking the larger picture here, which is that the NBA might actually be harvesting blood from its top-level athlete players to satiate head Dracula commissioner Adam Silver and his coven of vampire brethren.
OPINION: Maybe the NBA is blood testing because the commissioner is secretly a Dracula
Please note that this is a joke.
Russ Isabella-USA TODAY Sports
Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.
It’s a plan that’s so simple, it’s easy to overlook. PEDs are a problem in sports, so looking for those PEDs is the perfect cover story. It’s equally as likely that a cadre of sinister Nosferatus are seeking the highest-quality athlete blood to fuel the power of their eventual vampire takeover of all humans. What blood could be more potent or nourishing than plasma drawn from some of the largest and most healthy professional athletes on earth? A crafty and disciplined Dracula would only need a sip of, say, Dirk Nowitzki’s blood to sustain him for weeks. By continually “testing” these players, Adam Silver and his fellow horrifying ghouls are essentially maintaining a human blood farm.
Someone has to say it: it’s just not right.
Let’s look at the evidence:
Seems pretty convincing to me.
Please write to your local congressperson and let them know that you will not stand for the NBA’s systematic harvesting of blood to sustain the sinister machinations of the undead.
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