How to properly run a burner Twitter account

So, you’ve decided to run a burner account? Congratulations on your decision. You’re right, it’s definitely time to make one.

Because burner accounts are a great idea. Everyone should have one on Twitter.com. Nothing is more important than having a way to go ghost and peek in on what everyone’s saying and doing without them knowing.

Unfortunately, so many people don’t know what they’re doing. A lack of burner etiquette caused drama for both Bryan Colangelo and Kevin Durant, and it’s going to burn someone else in the NBA-sphere.

We are here to help.

My name is James Dator and I’m here with Matt “The Gummy Shark” Ellentuck, and together we’re Ellentor Enterprises. We’re here today with an exciting step-by-step guide to running your “social media.”

As the successful managers of several unsuccessful personal social media accounts, we feel qualified to give you the do-not-dos of running a burner account. We’ll help you learn from the miscues of your predecessors and develop the correct habits to preserve your cover from the outside world.

After mastering these five steps, you will be able to covertly spread influence from the shadows, while maintaining the freedom to write “suk it go back to ur moms basement blog boy” without fear of reprisal. Let’s get started!

Like naming a child, or a beagle, selecting the right username for your burner account is critical to its success — and your anonymity. Too many people provide clues that the media can use to track you down. These would-be gumshoes will prey on any weakness, so pick something difficult to identify. Which of the following do you think is a better username for a burner account if you were in the front office of the Denver Nuggets?

@nuggsfan1234567
@xXTwisted_S0ul420Xx

That’s right, @xXTwisted_S0ul420Xx. The name gives the allure of an edgelord’s Fortnite account, rather than an NBA front office member. Remember this in building your burner brand.

After selecting your username the next step is signing up for the account. Create new email addresses. Use burner phones to verify your burner accounts. We want as many layers of subterfuge between you and the account possible. Plausible deniability is the name of the game. Think of how Steve Urkel hid Stefan from everyone. That’s what we want to do with your account.

In setting up a password don’t use your last name. The key is ambiguity, remember? So Ellentor Enterprises will give you all a password that is so ubiquitous you can’t fail.

The password is “password.”

Now I’m gonna pass it over to my main man Matt, who’s going to talk to you about that dreaded “T” word ... tweeting.

So you have your account set up to a fake email with a basic-ass password. Now it’s time to put this baby to use.

First, you must establish your voice. As previously mentioned, are you a “suk it go back to ur moms basement blog boy” type of user? Maybe you’re a more polite “that’s a bad take, Eric” type of user. Maybe you use ALL CAPS. Maybe you communicate explicitly with emojis.

This is important, and all goes towards developing your brand.

Personally, I’d choose a voice that’s slightly accusatory that’ll bring enough attention to provoke response, but not enough so that it’ll be remember the next day. You want to run perfectly in the middle of everything without tipping people off. Don’t try leaking news, dummy.

The key to running a functional, open Twitter account is to have fun but not too much fun. If you think Jahlil Okafor is trash, maybe just say something like “lmao y’all look at jahs numbers tho (eyes emoji),” instead of “ask Jah if he passed other team physical.”

Learn from Colangelo’s mistake.

Part of the point of making a burner account is to make yourself look good while bringing others down. Don’t forget that. But you have to be less obvious than picking fights about a collar, or going at the youths with curses.

Let’s learn from some more mistakes.

Here’s how Colangelo responded to a comment about the size of his shirt collar:

That is a normal collar. Move on, find a new slant.

Here’s how Kevin Durant (@quiresultan) responded to people talking about him:

your little ass ain’t playing varsity, u better start rapping lmaoo.

Don’t do either of these.

Pick fights with people who:

In these fights you must:

If you skip or don’t follow a step, and your account gets busted you’re done. Absolutely done. Goodbye. You can’t mess this up.

Durant won an NBA Finals as the MVP and we still only care about his burners. Even if the Bryan Colangelo burners aren’t his, we won’t care. They’re always going to be his.

Making burners isn’t for anyone. They have their consequences.

But if you follow these four quick and easy steps to creating and maintaining an account, you should be great.*

Probably.

*(Ellentor Enterprises is a LLC free from prosecution.)