To all those in SB Nation’s viewing area: please take shelter. Just over 24 hours into the NCAA Tournament, we have seen three airballed free throw attempts. Though we are well aware of such airballs occurring in the NBA, it seems that we have grossly underestimated its presence in the college game.
WARNING: Airballed Free Throw Outbreak Spreading Throughout NCAA Tournament
Visual evidence of all three airballs has been documented by NORAD, who have alerted nearby Air Force installations. Their frenzied audio transcripts in the wake of this airball outbreak are after the jump.
DAVID STOCKTON -- PITTSBURGH, PA -- 15 MAR 2012 -- 19:50 ET
(via The Big Lead)
NORAD: This is NORAD. Please respond.
HARRISBURG AIR NATIONAL GUARD BASE: Harrisburg.
NORAD: We are tracking an airballed free throw in Pittsburgh.
HARRISBURG: Sitrep?
NORAD: Ball has glanced side of net, has missed rim entirely. Shooter is David Stockton.
HARRISBURG: Is this John Stockton’s son?
NORAD: Affirmative. According to FCH-14, you have F-18s. Please scramble.
HARRISBURG: NORAD [...] hold please, NORAD, we are working to confirm.
NORAD: Airball has been confirmed. Please intercept.
HARRISBURG: This isn’t adding up. John Stockton was one of the short guys from NBA Jam.
NORAD: [...]
HARRISBURG: The short guys could shoot good.
NORAD: Negative. Some of them were total beavises.
HARRISBURG: Like who?
NORAD: Stacey Augmon.
HARRISBURG: [...]
HARRISBURG: Scrambling F-18s. Moving to intercept. Standby.
DESHAWN STEPHENS -- COLUMBUS, OH -- 16 MAR 2012 -- 13:02 ET
NORAD: This is NORAD. Please respond.
RICKENBACKER AIR NATIONAL GUARD BASE. Yes, NORAD, this is Rickenbacker. Proceed.
NORAD: We are presently tracking an airballed free throw in Columbus.
RICKENBACKER. Standby. [overheard] Did you feel anything? Morris? You? [into phone] We didn’t feel anything here, NORAD. We’re in Columbus. Would have felt it.
NORAD: Readings were confirmed at Lockheed and Langley.
RICKENBACKER. Could be solar flares, NORAD ... [sound of flipping through papers] ... this is the NCAA Tournament. Collegiate-level players we’re talking about. Airball seems highly unlikely.
NORAD: This is Deshawn Stephens, Rickenbacker. He shot .393 during the regular season. From the free throw line.
RICKENBACKER. Free throw line.
NORAD: Affirmative.
RICKENBACKER. [...]
RICKENBACKER. Oh Jesus.
NORAD: Rickenbacker. Scramble and prepare to intercept.
RICKENBACKER. This can’t be happening. No college player could be that much of a total buttmunch.
NORAD: He’s a fine player, Rickenbacker. Just weak at the line.
RICKENBACKER. [louder] He’s a f***ing basketball player! God! Shoot the basketball into the basketball basket! Or get it close! How can you possibly airball it? HOLY SHIT! [receiver drops]
NORAD: ... Rickenbacker.
RICKENBACKER. [screaming and commotion heard in background]
NORAD: ... Rickenbacker, please respond.
NORAD: GLOBAL ANNOUNCEMENT. We have lost Rickenbacker. Lockheed, please respond.
LOCKHEED. [heard amid screaming and maniacal laughter] THERE IS NO GRACE THERE IS NO GUILT THERE IS NO GOD DO WHAT THOU WILL
NORAD: We have ... we have lost Lockheed.
YANCY GATES -- NASHVILLE, TN -- 16 MAR 2012 -- 13:29 ET
NORAD: This is NORAD. Arnold Air Force Base, this is NORAD. Please respond.
ARNOLD AFB: This is Arnold.
NORAD: We’re tracking an airballed free throw in Nashville.
ARNOLD AFB: A what?
NORAD: An airballed free throw. Cincinnati vs. Texas.
ARNOLD AFB: Uh ... all right?
NORAD: Scramble fighters immediately.
ARNOLD AFB: For ... what? I don’t get it.
NORAD: In order to intercept.
ARNOLD AFB: Intercept what? The airball? Nothing about this makes any sense. I don’t understand why the Air Force would care about an airball.
NORAD: [...]
ARNOLD AFB: Like, a guy airballed a free throw. Not a big deal. It just happens once in a while. You know? And, like, even if an airball were for some reason a threat to our defense network, I don’t really know what good fighter jets would do.
NORAD: [...]
NORAD: Well, all the other air defense bases thought it was cool.
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