Last Halloween Michigan imploded against a terrible Illinois team, sending Michigan fans into conniption fits and the team into the tailspin that saw them miss a bowl for the second consecutive year. This year the same thing happened against a terrible Penn State team, and though it was closer Michigan was also playing a walk-on making his first start. Newspapers are running headlines like so:
This Week In Schadenfreude: Michigan Fan Or Smiths Song? You Make The Call!
It’s Halloween so it’s time for Michigan fans to go pathetically emo, Clemson fans to go FFFFFUUUUUU, and Texas fans to lose their last tenuous hold on reality. Also: the worst costume ever and that one USC fan made entirely of bile and swearing.
Wolverines guard against 'moping'
And it all feels slightly familiar, except with more ennui. You want heartfelt Michael Cera emo posts that could be called rants if only they weren’t so goddamn drippy? Boy, I have the fanbase for you. Boy, do I. It’s time to play “MGoBlog Content Or Smiths Song?”
That last one is more Phil Collins but it’s basically the same idea. For the record, 2 and 5 are Smiths songs.
So we’re good at emo. We’re also good at photoshop and nerdery:
From left to right: Greg “GERG” Robinson’s hair, the omnipresent Michigan fan nicknamed “Lloyd Brady” who is always on television looking very happy or very depressed photoshopped onto a character from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and you can probably figure out the depressed looking guy in the headset.
Greg Robinson, by the way, is a terrible coach. I totally agree with this random nut:
alan said...
- FIRE GR AKA COACH PISS POOR!
FIRE GR AKA COACH PISS POOR!
FIRE GR AKA COACH PISS POOR!
FIRE GR AKA COACH PISS POOR!- October 31, 2010 10:17 AM
For my part, I compare the hiring of Greg Robinson to the worldwide financial crisis (Michigan fans: also good at perspective!), call him an idiot in four separate places. The most TWISsy of the four:
The supposedly attacking, slanting, different-front-making defense has been a passive heap of quivering goo coached by someone who clearly doesn’t understand what the system he is running is supposed to accomplish. Robinson’s been put in a terrible position, but he has no track record save blithering idiocy and there is no reason to retain him.
That's right: Fire Coach X from your author. Michigan gets the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness, and Greg Davis has competition in the heated Weisman(tm!) race.
The rest of the week in spleen:
ACC
It was a misery-laden week in the ACC. Miami lost Jacory Harris and set about proving that every quarterback on the roster was capable of tossing mind-bending interceptions in a dismal loss to Virginia that was more dismal than the final score implied, causing Canespace to break out the Single Words Of Damnation:
Unbelievable. Unacceptable. Intolerable.
That is what your Miami Hurricanes performance against the Virginia Cavaliers was on Saturday in Charlottesville. After a season that began with so much promise of talent, coaching and success how has it now wound down to a state of complete despair and undeniable misery?
“Complete despaire and undeniable misery” still loses out to that Ball State fan’s “SOMETHING SOMETHING” but that’s a clear #2. Also Hindenberg.
Clemson managed to blow a game against previously winless-in-conference Boston College, causing this to happen as part of a Here Are The Email Addresses And Phone Numbers Of Important People Who Do Not Want To Listen To You:
Also this in a post featuring the sentence “HEY IVE GOT A GREAT IDEA LETS KEEP HALF OF BOWDENS STAFF AND PUT THE WIDE RECEIVERS COACH IN CHARGE”:
Tiger fans have a point there.
Big East
After consecutive losses to Syracuse and UConn it’s clear that Bill Stewart has gone full-on Coker in year three. The combustible West Virginia fanbase is already starting up the Fire Coach X facebook groups, declaring themselves Kragthorpe’d, throwing out names for the next guy (Jim Harbaugh, DC Jeff Casteel, Nick Saban(!)), blaming Bob Stoops, blaming Rich Rodriguez, plotting to bring Rodriguez back, and conjuring up their favorite “Stew moments.”
There have been many of that last one:
- One of mine is Stew licking his eyebrows in during the colorado game 2 years ago.
- Another special moment from that game [Colorado] was sleeping during overtime.
- My favorite, and this happens all the time now, is when he gets nervous and sticks his hands under his armpitts and smells them like this.
- Has to be the thrill he got when his son met Erin Andrews.
Can you imagine any other FBS coach, on national TV, more interested in introducing his son Erin Andrews than talking about the game? - The 'Enough brains, oil, and coal to run, lubricate, and heat the world' comment always makes me laugh.
- Him chewing his hand last night has to rank up there someplace.
Thread winnner says “My favorite Stew moment is yet to come.”
Elsewhere people are comparing their life decisions to the West Virginia AD’s:
Its 3 AM and Im drunk
I'm not hiring anyone for my new team at work...................
Thanks Ed
And this column’s been too light on emoticons this year. Let’s try to repair that:
Last night via emoticons
1.then
now
.....
I’m with you, emoticon guy.
BONUS ALL CAPS SECTION:
Big Ten
Michigan State rolled into Iowa 8-0 for the first time since Wilford Brimely was a virile young trilobyte hunter and ended up down 30-0 at halftime. This random State fan had no idea his costume would be so prophetic:
Should have dressed up like Katy Perry.
Purdue's down to a fourth-string true freshman after Rob Henry tore a fingernail off his throwing hand last week and should not be surprised when they get clubbed like seals by anyone, let alone an Illinois team that's been doing pretty well this year. But they are and they're writing Lists Of Sarcastic Positives:
-My kids are learning new words while I watch the game.
-Without any expectations of a victory for the rest of the season, I won’t be stressed on Saturdays.
-Hope will be able to avoid anyone comparing him with his predecessor...but the comparisons to Akers, Colletto and Burtnett are becoming easier to make.
I’m not sure why they’re surprised given the flood of injuries but TWIS asks not why you experience misery.
The sarcastic lists are an Indiana thing this week. Notre Dame saw their latest hot new coach do the exact same thing their last hot new coach did when Brian Kelly eschewed a fairly easy game-winning field goal attempt in favor of chucking a deep ball in the vicinity of Michael Floyd. Notre Dame’s kicker is a Groza finalist. Their quarterback was a backup freshman who’d already thrown three interceptions (the first was against Michigan) in just over a half’s worth of play. The pass was intercepted, and ND blogs are listing the things they’ve enjoyed more than Fighting Irish football:
My last dental cleaning/exam. No cavities. I’ve never had a cavity. That said, I normally get lectured about flossing every day, and I didn’t this time. Plus now they’ve got this ultrasonic thing, makes your teeth look awesome, takes about 5 minutes to clean the entire mouth, and the ringing in your head goes away just a few days later.
Buying a used car. The “process” finally came to an end, and aside from a devastating strike by an unusually large racoon at 75 mph, the car has run flawlessly.
Hitting an unusually large raccoon at 75mph. Nobody will believe me when I explain how this f-er nearly killed my car, but it makes for a pretty good story.
“Hitting an usually large racoon at 75mph” sounds like something that happens in Michigan games this year.
Big 12
Texas lost to Baylor, which is Baylor. This makes no sense…
Major Cult said:
I was afraid to come here. Did know if I could bear to see the steaming pile of quivering plasma i knew i would find. i am numb.
…but Texas just lost to Baylor, so nothing should make sense. Also:
Major Cult said:
Moronic bile bladder.
Major Cult Wins The Internet for perfectly expressing the meaninglessness of life after a loss to Baylor. Meanwhile, Burnt Orange Nation has some hilariously depressing text exchanges:
(xxx): I’m killing myself. This is pathetic.
(xxx): You dont get to kill yourself. Misery needs company.(xxx): Are you doing a “text” post for this game?
(xxx): Probably...
(xxx): What do I have to do to make it?
(xxx): Say something poignant or funny...
(xxx): If we lose, I will ____ing lose my ____ and beat the ____ out of someone wearing a ____y costume.
(xxx): Sadly, that might work....
And it’s Happy Days time in Austin:
As the TV cameras from FSN showed the Baylor players and coaches celebrating after the game, and then panned next to a drawn and tired Mack Brown, I couldn’t help imagining him on water skis, wearing a leather Longhorn jacket, yelling at his trusty boat driver Greg to head for the jump ramp.
Pac-10
USC lost so I bet That Guy is going nuts, right?
I told you people that read and react would not work and it didn’t. It was prison raped.
I told you people that MONTE didn’t have clue one on how to stop a mobile quarterback and he still doesn’t this morning. …
OREGON”S O is stoppable. It can be contained. It can be attacked. It can be taken out of it’s rhythm.
It just can’t be stopped by MONTE KIFFIN. That much was proven last night.
It does take a savant to tell the world that the nation’s #98 defense is going to get shredded by Oregon, a team whose season low for points is—holy hotpants—42.
I really think this is literally the maddest guy on the internet. For real:
So RAH RAH's I F-ING TOLD YOU SO
By: San ClementeI told you that FAT ASS BARNEY [starting QB Matt Barkley] IS A LOSER. He has never won anything in his life. NEVER. He never will. He's a LOSER. three turnovers on HIM. He couldn't turn it over and he turned it over three f---ing times. He can't f---ing move and tonight he proved that he's dumb as a stump.
The difference in this game was exactly what I told you it would be. EXACTLY. I told you USC shouldn't have much trouble putting up 35 and they didn't.
I told you that MOnte would give up MORE, and he did.
Playing with an immobile quarterback today is like having ONE LESS MAN ON THE FIELD. It won't change until BARNEY LEAVES.
I TOLD YOU that USC's only shot was to hit the Oregon quarterback early, often, and all game. THEY Didn't, and that was by design. It was pure COWARDICE by Monte KIFFIN.
San Clemente is Scott Tenorman of the Week, easy.
SEC
Not much this week, as it was a corpse-thumping sort of weekend in the league. Losers Vandy, Ole Miss, Kentucky, and Tennessee have three conference wins between them; LSU and Alabama were off. Even the most miserable Cocktail Party in forever didn’t generate much in the realm of blog woe. Georgia’s overtime loss did cause Hey Jenny Slater to make a Charlie Brown callback:
Well, what can I say about this past weekend except I shouldn't have watched "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" Friday night -- everything I needed to know about what was going to go down the following afternoon was right in there.
The only problem with it is the metaphor is “insufficient -- and entirely too simplistic -- to accurately portray Georgia’s misery in this rivalry.” Instead, Doug declares that equal footing in the Cocktail Party is Georgia’s Great Pumpkin, i.e. a thing you wait patiently for but completely fails to exist.
Here’s the solution:
Georgia should take Florida off the schedule (Posted on 10/31 at 9:34 a.m.)
Georgia should take Florida off the schedule because this series hasn't been competitive for a long time.
Florida is beating Georgia 90% of the time. No one wants to see a series like that.
Georgia should be renamed the Georgia Gatorbait instead of the Georgia Bulldogs.
I see no issues whatsoever with this plan.
Next week: Alabama or LSU takes loss No. 2, TCU or Utah finds itself booted out of the top ten, and the Willingham references will fly in the aftermath of Oregon’s offense bombing the Washington defense, offense, special teams, fans, stadium, university, mascot, colors, and dignity.
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