The 2011 BCS Championship Game is quickly approaching, and if you still can't decide whether you should root for the Oregon Ducks or the Auburn Tigers, Spencer Hall is here to help with his Rootability Index.
2011 BCS Championship Game, Oregon Vs. Auburn: Rootability Index Leans Toward Ducks
BUT CAN HIS SMILE SCORE TOUCHDOWNS? Cam Newton may be rootable for spectacle alone: those who assume he’s the very end of college football itself must admit that among his tiny, iron-deficient peers he is a great rampaging Brobdingnag among Lilliputs. (If you’re not up on your Swift: HE BIG, THEY SMALL.) For hyperbolic athleticism and those who enjoy it, Cam Newton is clearly your choice.
Additionally, for those who enjoy six-figure luxury brands, he is also your choice.
Sadly, Newton is also the focus of the worst school of football analysis, the James-Osteen School of Football Theory stating that touchdowns are scored with smiles, hope, and other intangibles. Sure, he’s 6’ 6”, 250, runs a 4.5, and has improved immensely as a passer. But have you seen his smile? HIS SMILE BREAKS TACKLES, AMERICA.
/vomits into trashcan full of Tim Tebow cliches
MASCOT: Auburn’s identity crisis continues, though they tell you it doesn’t. “It’s very simple. We have the Tiger as our mascot, but there’s also an eagle we let loose before kickoff, and he’s associated, but not a mascot, and is really kind of a rallying emblem. Also we’re nicknamed the Plainsmen, and we’re considering picking up a discarded women’s professional soccer mascot just for the hell of it.”
Pantheists, your choice is clear. Puddles, the One True Mascot God in this argument, will just be over here owning anything that gets within reach of his huge white hands.
IF YOU’RE INTO CULT OF PERSONALITY. Chip Kelly has one, and Gene Chizik has....a leather jacket. Game, set, match to the Ducks.
DO YOU LIKE GREEN BECAUSE MONEY BE GREEN? Advantage Oregon, obviously, since Cliff Harris likes money because money be green, and because Auburn was exonerated in the Cam Newton case and obviously no money ever exchanged hands between Cecil Newton and the school, since he only asked Mississippi State for $180,000, and then relented and said, "No, son. Go to Auburn for free." This is entirely plausible and you should not be suspicious of it at all.
ON-THE-SCENE FAN OBSERVATIONS. Do have a beard? You must root for Oregon, since their fanbase here in Glendale has a huge advantage in the beards-per-capita department. (Remember: in the SEC, a beard likely indicates an LSU fan, who may well be the town gator trapper AND the district attorney.) If you tuck your shirt in, you pull for Auburn, as more Auburn fans wear
EVIL BOOSTER: Phil Knight, megabooster for Oregon, is the natural lean for those who if blessed with immense wealth would swan about in sweatshirts, a baseball cap, and running shoes all day. He was also into using child labor at one point, so his evil percentage is there, though not immense now that he’s given millions away to charities in penance and ceased the practice.
Bobby Lowder, Auburn megabooster, once interviewed Bobby Petrino for a job while Tommy Tuberville was still very much in said job, headed a bank that is now one of the biggest failures in the subprime mortgage scandal and is under federal investigation. He wears ties, controls Auburn with an iron fist, and had Pat Dye on the board of that disastrous bank. If you like your villains obvious and well-dressed, here's your man.
DRINK OF CHOICE: Craft beer people, quack away. Bud Light in a can folks; War Eagle to you.
FINAL LEAN: Oregon. Not only are they the underdog, but Craig James AND Todd McShay picked Auburn to win. If you need anymore explanation that this, you’re beyond hope.
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