Urban Meyer Hired By ESPN, Does Not Enjoy The Company Of His Children

SB Nation college football pundits Holly Anderson and Spencer Hall discuss the imminent hiring of Urban Meyer by ESPN.

Holly: It won’t be official for a few more minutes, but word has leaked out that ESPN is hiring Urban Meyer in some sort of nebulous analyst/commentating capacity. So based on his on-camera persona (that feels like it should have scare quotes around it) during his BCS analysis this past bowl season, does Urban just really enjoy taking jobs that make him grimace horrifically on national television?
Spencer: Really, Urban Meyer is leaving his family to spend more time with Rece Davis. I don’t know his family, so I won’t judge. Maybe Rece is more nuturing.
Holly: I hope his daughters didn’t make any heartfelt speeches this time around, because they’re about to be cruelly disappointed. Again. Alabama beat writers with column inches to fill, however, will be thrilled.
Spencer: I think he just desperately wanted something to do, because have you ever hung out with 18-22 year old girls? They’re terribly boring. Holly: BE MORE CAPTIVATING, DAUGHTERS OF URBAN.
Spencer: I’m less concerned with his potential performance, and more with who on the existing staff he threatens. I hope it’s Mark May. He’d play such a good Daffy Duck/spurned talent role here.
Holly: It’s probably Wendi Nix. You ever seen the stems on Urban?
Spencer: Depends on whether Urban can wear some sexy librarian sunglasses with flair or not. Keep in mind, Mark May already does that. Did I just blow your mind?
Holly: More of a short-circuit. OK, let’s stop dancing around the elephant in the room for a minute. Which is, in fact, an actual elephant. Nick Saban was immeasurably, painfully, way more better than Meyer on television this winter, a difference particularly apparent when they were paired together so often. Is Urbz setting himself up for another soul-wrenching loss to Alabama when Saban eventually retires and follows him into the studio?
Spencer: I think you’re dancing around the question: Will this incident stress him into another medical emergency? PAGING DR. LOU. (Dr. Lou prescribes leeches and a lolly.)