Armen Keteyian Interviews Orson Welles About The Snow Globe From ‘Citizen Kane’

By now, you’ve probably heard about CBS’ Armen Keteyian’s 20-second-long, completely insubstantial interview with Penn State’s Mike McQueary. Prior to its airing, Keteyian had advertised it as McQueary “[opening] a window for me into his emotions.” These ended up being the precise dimensions of said window.

KETEYIAN: Just describe your emotions right now.
MCQUEARY: Uh, all over the place, just kinda, uh, shaken.
KETEYIAN: Crazy?
MCQUEARY: Crazy.
KETEYIAN: And you said what, like a...
MCQUEARY: Snow globe.

And with that, Keteyian was hot on the “snow globe” trail. What follows is his subsequent interview with Orson Welles, director of the landmark film Citizen Kane.

KETEYIAN: Just describe the emotions of Charles Foster Kane right now.
WELLES: It’s difficult to summarize. I’m afraid I can’t do so without compromising the story of this man in some regard. The film is two hours long for a reason.
KETEYIAN: Okay, well, there’s a snow globe in it. What is that all about?
WELLES: It was my attempt -- a successful one, I think -- to take advantage of the primarily visual medium of film to express the passing of one’s life, which, which a tremendous moment, is not necessarily always an intensely visual one. The snow globe serves as a means of--
KETEYIAN: Crazy?
WELLES: What?
KETEYIAN: Who is your favorite guy from Citizen Kane? Mine, probably, would maybe be Charles Citizen.
WELLES: You clearly haven’t seen this movie. I don’t know why you would want to interview me about a movie that you haven’t even bothered to watch.
KETEYIAN: I’m interviewing you because I talked to a guy on a porch and he said something about snow globes. I then performed an Excite.com search on the Internet and found that Citizen Kane is also a snow globe thing.
WELLES: “A snow globe thing.” Yes. Yes, that was what was on the posters. Don’t waste any more of my time until you’ve seen the film.
KETEYIAN: I have too seen the film!
WELLES: Okay, then. Describe it to me.
KETEYIAN: Well, um.

[Long pause.]

KETEYIAN: Well it’s about two mortal enemies named Charles Citizen and John Rosebud. At first they are friends and they do a bunch of 1900s stuff together, such as fixing wagon wheels and reading books. But then their friendship is ruined over a power struggle! There is a laser.
WELLES: Stop. Just stop.
KETEYIAN: I was finished.