Toomer’s Corner Tree-Poisoner Arrested; Mugshot Resembles Homeless Ned Beatty

So it turns out that when you call into a radio show, provide your real name and hometown, and have a phone number, and make threats against a public landmark, you’re pretty easy to find: An arrest has already been made in the Toomer’s Corner tree-poisoning case, and it doesn’t take an SEC degree to deduce that Harvey Almorn Updyke is “Al from Dadeville.” Updyke’s mugshot has been made available to the public, and it looks about exactly how you’d expect it to look.Bond has been set at $50,000, but we mean this quite sincerely: Don’t leave jail, man. Don’t leave jail, because you will die. This isn’t a threat. This is Alabama. Somebody will kill you dead, and finding a sympathetic court to avenge your passing won’t be easy, so just hunker down. (For the uninitiated: The thing about the Alabama-Auburn rivalry is the statewide cross-pollination of fans of both schools. It’s house-to-house fighting of a sort you’d normally see in an eastern European civil war action flick, and you won’t know who’s after you until it’s too late. One would assume Updyke knows all this already, but again: Gave his real name and hometown to the Finebaum call screeners.)
Both Alabama-based fanbases are likely to be experiencing all kinds of unpleasant emotions this week, but take heart: There’s something for everybody to salve their wounds with today. Auburn types, rightfully outraged as you are, be comforted by the news that this no’count two-bit eco-maniac was captured so rapidly. And Alabama faithful, feel free to raise all the eyebrows you want at the timely release of this news to cover up another recruiting kerfuffle. (That Auburn had to diagnose the trees with the help of Mississippi State, it is perhaps best not to mention.)
For more discussion of this latest Iron Bowl-related atrocity, visit our Alabama and Auburn communities, where everyone’s at least trying to keep level heads.