SEC Media Days 2012: Okay, Everybody Out Of Birmingham

Hoover, Ala. -- They clutch numbered Daniel Moore prints, chattering about how, if possible, they would direct him to sign in a particular area of the print, and maybe even with a particular message. The painting commemorates the Alabama Crimson Tide’s 2011 national championship.

Would it be possible to get a “Roll Tide” next to his name?

1. If Nick Saban enters the room with three police escorts, you ask questions--terrifying, disturbing questions. Does a man that small really require three police escorts? One school of thinking would be to say that a person that small requires less protection: they are small, and can easily hide in places normal people would find inaccessible. Suck it, ninja kidnappers of the world! Nick Saban has just plunged into that air vent, where he will heal, acquire new weapons, and then don a pair of night-vision goggles like Max Fisher and knock you out under cover of darkness.

The other school of thinking is that he is small, and thus easily picked up and thrown into a giant sack. There is a mob of people downstairs who might do this. They wear crimson t-shirts, and hold up paintings, posters, footballs, pieces of their homes, stray children of dubious relation, and whatever else is not nailed down in the Wynfrey Hotel lobby. They would kidnap Nick Saban out of love, and feed him their best crackers as they threw the cursing, wriggling bag of Nick Saban-ness in the truck bed and took him home to sit in a gilded cage, a profanity-spewing $4 million-dollar-a-year parrot for a lucky and daring Crimson Tide couple.

Richt has no qualms about his school’s especially tough drug policy, which has cost him players and somehow created a reputation for the Dawgs that doesn’t square with their actual standards. He says he hasn’t lobbied the SEC for a uniform drug policy and calls it “what’s right for Georgia.”

Georgia is the media’s pick to win the SEC East. “We hope the media is right,” Richt said, “We hope we get back to Atlanta and hopefully play better this time around. Georgia’s got a tremendous opportunity to win the Eastern Division.”

Hoover, Ala. -- “I’m a realist,” said Mississippi’s Hugh Freeze, perhaps the coach this year’s assembly is the least familiar with. “Our program is in a spot none of us are happy with.”

But by no means is Freeze unaware of his challenge. He talked repeatedly about renewing accountability and various beatitudes in a messy program. At least attrition shouldn’t be anywhere near what some had feared, thanks to a major reshuffling of the athletic department’s academic protocols. As for the number of players in grades trouble, “We have serious concerns about four kids.”

Hoover, Ala. -- “For the first time, we have a settled roster,” Tennessee coach Derek Dooley began. “We have a full 85. We are deeper than we’ve ever been.”

Taking on the SEC with an offensive line that boasts more than 100 starts -- instead of one with a mere three -- Dooley is expressing confidence for perhaps the first time. “The SEC has enjoyed taking advantage of our tough times. You’re not gonna have Tennessee to kick around any more.”

Hoover, Ala. -- Among the biggest laughs so far at SEC Media Days: when Nick Saban hoped during his opening remarks that the assembled media has “all had a nice summer so far.” It was a tension-easing laugh.

Saban talked about the challenges of sustained success before reporters had their turn, mentioning the Yankees and Roger Federer among the sporting institutions that have had established themselves as the classes of their trades. For the Tide, which have won two titles in three years and [/counts on fingers and toes] all-time, these are the peers.

The afternoon shift of SEC Media Days. Creeping, dazed madness has set in with a fierceness.

“Is that thunder?”

Hoover, Ala. -- The headlining act of Day 2 began his opening statement by talking a little fast-pitch softball. Why yes, of course Les Miles did.

The first question he fielded was about recording that NCAA 13 commercial with the Tigers mascot. “The lines were narrowed so that I could perform them effectively,” he said, “but Mike the Tiger stole the show.” This is not the sort of question Nick Saban will get to open with.

Hoover, Ala. -- Clad in pinstripe and escorted by the largest entourage of any coach thus far, Gene Chizik began his Media Days remarks with thanks for the support his school has received in the wake of this summer’s Auburn shooting tragedy. After that, it was praise for Tigers new and old and a warning that the SEC’s Big 12 imports might be tougher than anybody thought.

Looking down on Missouri and Texas A&M, cocky SEC fan? Gene Chizik brings troubling news back from the Big 12: “These are dang good teams with good coaches.” He spent quite a while toward the middle defending the SEC’s latest acquisitions, which his Iowa State team went 0-3 against while giving up almost 50 points per game:

For some reason, Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen’s lunch choice (Sbarro) at the SEC Media Days compound was covered by at least four different media outlets, with multiple images available on Twitter. Here’s the satellite capture:

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HOOVER, Ala. -- The Muschampalanche started early. I missed the early stages of it because Birmingham is the American Johannesburg, a series of hills where well-off white people skirt through the city on interstates thrown over the homes of the black residents who live in the actual city. There are exactly two on-ramps to the interstate in those areas, and when you finally get on one the city of Birmingham distributes freshly hit dogs* to yelp for help on each. I am not saying Birmingham is a city of racist-ass interstates littered with dying dogs, but based on my sample size of one profanity-soaked drive into Hoover this morning, this is exactly what the city of Birmingham is. ROLL TIDE.

*We called the police. I assume the police will shoot the dog in the head to put it out of its misery. I base this on the policies of the Nashville Metro Police, who have shot truck-mauled deer in the head in public on roads located insanely close to downtown. Thanks for sharing that with the passing school bus full of children, Nashville po-po!

Hoover, Ala. -- What can you tout when you’re Kentucky’s football coach in 2012? You can talk about a respectable four-game finish, that included a long-awaited win over Tennessee, a win over Ole Miss, and a nine-point fall at Georgia. You talk up your recruiting classes, but reference Wisconsin as a team that succeeds despite not recruiting at the same level as its conference’s traditional powers.

Kentucky: a basketball school. Is all of the basketball good for football or not? “I’m a Kentuckian,” Phillips responds. “I’m selling the basketball program. We wanna hitch our wagon to the basketball program,” he said, before listing the names of recent NBA Draft picks who’ve been through Lexington. Phillips takes UK football recruits into John Calipari’s locker room before games, and the two even coordinate on dual-sport recruits.

“We have a lot of pressure, because we’re gonna put it on ourselves,” Smith said of his loaded offense and his team’s chances at competing for the national title in his 10 brief months as a Hog. “We expect to score points. We have to contribute on the other side of the ball as well.”

Despite all that talent, Smith is still replacing his former boss, a proven winner at multiple programs. “The transition has been as easy as it could be,” he says of returning to the school he left to take over the head job at his alma mater, Weber State. He calls his new gig a surprising opportunity, but ran low on interest in Petrino discussions at one point:

Hoover, Ala. -- The SEC’s two primary underdogs tend to use every opportunity they have to recruit their programs. Last year, Mississippi State’s Dan Mullen spent a lot of time talking about the beauty of Starkville -- this year, he focused more on depth charts and what have you, but didn’t mind veering into doing a little recruiting, such as when he responded to a billboards (they’re in the news!*) question by electing one about a Miss Mississippi winning streak his favorite. Also, such as when he claimed MSU is “not all that far from a national championship” and “could be the best college town in the country.”

We also got some math:

Hoover, Ala. -- After listening to Will Muschamp’s opening address, I’m considering starting up some sort of Wikipedia site devoted to keeping up with his quotes. The man simply jams more information into each breath than anybody else on earth. He’s either the Twista or Phil Steele of college football coaches.

Seriously. So much information:

There’s an official position at the National Geographic Society for “explorer-in-residence.” The current job-holder is a 72-year-old woman who will be spending two weeks in an underwater research station, and she sounds ecstatic about the opportunity to live without sun, fresh air or Internet for two weeks.

The bargain version of this experience -- without the troublesome pressurization, the risk of the bends or the danger of a sudden rupture killing you and all your friends all at once -- is SEC media days. The Wynfrey Hotel is the BioDome, the self-contained best idea of some time around 30 years ago, a mirrored slab of generic hotel spiked into one end of a mall. From above, at the right angle, it looks like a melting monolith left in the middle of a slab-gray pool of asphalt, an iceberg crazily out of balance and teetering to one side. It is marooned in a lagoon of parking lots; the lagoon, for this week, is choked with cars at one end, all cramming their way into SEC media days.

Defenders of Joe Paterno are not necessarily confined to the greater State College area. Missouri Tigers coach Gary Pinkel, just before taking the podium for his debut at SEC media days, definitively stood up for the disgraced Penn St. Nittany Lions coach, who was fired for his part in the Jerry Sandusky story and subsequently alleged to have played an even more disappointing role in the whole thing.

A portion of the transcript of Pinkel’s remarks by Steve Walentik:

Moe is apparently an expert of geography.

The transition from the Big 12 to the SEC is fraught with peril.

James Franklin opened with a story of his first trip to SEC media days last year, when he walked through radio row, into the mall and back without anyone noticing him. Times have indeed changed. And from a bowl bid in year one to new facilities, the man in the gold tie is still selling Vandy.

As with every other coach here in Alabama, there was a Nick Saban mention.

Hoover, Ala. -- How is Mizzou going to adjust to the SEC? If Gary Pinkel’s early going at SEC media days is any indication, they’re going to hit the ground running.

The coach’s opening remarks might not even have lasted a minute, and then it was right onto questions about how terrified the Tigers are of the big, mean SEC (Pinkel: “I’ll be disappointed if we’re intimidated”). Unlike Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin, Pinkel responded not with restrained intensity, but with more of a shrug.

Adidas might’ve had better luck sending this design over before the departure of Mike Sherman, a fine man and fine coach who is nevertheless quite khakis-adept:

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Hoover, Ala. -- And just like that, the star attraction. After a (perhaps golf-related) schedule adjustment, the SEC’s all-time top quipman took the podium with a trademark, “I’ve been here 20 years now ... Coaching in the SEC, it’s not a stressful job. I know some of these coaches will tell you how stressful it is.” South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier and his blazing red blazer, hitting the notes.

Here’s your highlight (other than this), which came in response to a question about how big that Arkansas game is now:

↵If you’re wondering how the Ol’ Ball Coach is feeling about the universe in general at 2012 SEC Media Days, the answers appears to be really freaking good. (Via the Schadbot.)

Hoover, Ala. -- “That’s about the fourth time somebody’s asked me that,” Kevin Sumlin said about being asked if he realizes his schedule includes the teams that won the last six national champions. The new Texas A&M coach with a new quarterback and new conference and all sorts of newness going on, but declares his “realistic expectations are to win” despite the room’s heavy air of provincial apprehension.

When asked about whether the spectacle of SEC Media Days compared to Conference USA’s equivalent has made his arrival “real” for him, Sumlin said it was rather sitting with his 13 peer coaches for the first time. “To have your home opener at Texas A&M be a SEC game, it’s a big deal,” he said, talking up increased ticket sales and general interest around College Station.

SEC commissioner Mike Slive kicked off SEC Media Days 2012, his first such gathering as the commish of a conference with newly acquired members, with comments on the past decade in the SEC. He’s been in charge for a decade now, in case that cutoff feels inconsequential.

In welcoming Texas A&M and Missouri, Slive talked up the nationally televised home openers against Florida and Georgia, respectively. The new guys could very well win those games. In order to make 14-team scheduling work, Slive said “every school gave up something.”