It’s college football season again, which means it’s time for RANKINGS. Every ranking you can imagine: power, coach, AP, Sagarin, BCS, whatever! Most of these don’t make any sense at all! Almost all of them are completely arbitrary! Well, we want to get in on the act as well, you selfish jerks. Here’s our version of the coaches’ poll, where we explain how each team is like a 1990s sitcom. This will make exactly as much sense as the actual coaches’ poll and will probably better explain the reasoning behind the votes.
The Week 2 Coaches’ Poll, As Represented By 90s Sitcoms
Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.
Team (first-place votes)
1. Alabama (37) - We’re going with The Nanny on this one, not because it’s the best 1990s sitcom, but because it’s the only one as annoying as Crimson Tide fans.
2. Southern California (14) - Matt Barkley’s team is pretty laid-back, just like the titular protagonist in Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. Let’s all start calling him Barkley Lewis! No, that’s dumb. Sorry.
3. LSU (7) - The Tigers want to be Seinfeld, but they’re basically just Friends. Hey, that’s okay, too!
4. Oregon (1) - Classy and refined, just like that other Pacific Northwest treasure, Frasier. Kelsey Grammer had as many haircuts on the show as Oregon has uniform variations, which is weird for a guy with no hair.
5. Oklahoma - Everyone loves Roseanne, right? Oklahoma may be the least-hate-able of every major college football team.
6. Florida State - You came here for a Golden Girls joke, right? Well then, you’re welcome.
7. Georgia - The Bulldogs are The Torkelsons. I’m sorry, but they are.
8. West Virginia - The number-one party school in the nation could only ever be The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, right?
9. South Carolina - Steve Spurrier’s squad gets the honor of being Just the Ten of Us, because Steve Spurrier is awesome and so was this show.
10. Arkansas - The George Carlin Show ran for one season and it was awesome. The John L. Smith show will run for one season and will probably not be very awesome at all.
11. Michigan State - Not, you know, FUNNY-funny, but still pretty good. Did I describe Michigan State or Murphy Brown? We’ll never know.
12. Clemson - The Tigers get to be Wings, because there’s nothing exceptional about either one.
13. Wisconsin - Married ... With Children, but not the good episodes. That lousy two-parter in England with the unnecessary laugh track.
14. Nebraska - Just like Mad About You, you get sick of it pretty much the instant you start watching.
15. Texas - We’ll let the Longhorns be Everybody Loves Raymond, because they’re always there when you turn your TV on.
16. Oklahoma State - Did you remember that the “Body by Jake” guy had a sitcom? Did you know that sitcom lasted FOUR SEASONS AND 100 EPISODES? I’m just bringing this up because the Oklahoma State Cowboys are apparently still plugging right along.
17. TCU - Cringe-inducing, hammy and hard to even look at. Just like 3rd Rock from the Sun.
18. Virginia Tech - The average VT student’s life pretty much exactly follows the arc depicted on Boy Meets World. Everyone at VT is Cory Matthews. Shawn Hunter? He went to West Virginia.
19. Michigan - A Michigan man can appreciate the antics of Home Improvement, although once the episode is over, it’s time to get serious.
20. Kansas State - Let’s say that the Wildcats are Grace Under Fire, because nobody is going to remember either one at the end of the season.
21. Stanford - Of course Stanford is Head of the Class, right? It pretty much has to be.
22. Notre Dame - Gonna go with Blossom on this one. Everyone likes it in theory, but then you start getting into “very special episodes” and Joey Lawrence won’t stop saying “whoa” and ugh just shut up already Notre Dame.
23. Florida - Living Single. You know; the one with Tootie and Queen Latifah. “Tootie” kind of sums up Florida at this point, right?
24. Louisville - Much like the sitcom Coach, Louisville isn’t really about college football.
25. Boise State - Family Matters. At the end of the year, they’ll realize they had too many Urkels on their team.
And Auburn fell out of the Top 25, which makes Auburn Herman’s Head -- good for a while but then just kind of there. War damn Herman’s Head.
While we’re here, let’s watch some of the many fine college football videos from SB Nation’s YouTube channel:
See More:
