It’s that magical time of the year once more when the NFL head coach photo is released during Spring meetings, giving us a chance to see the new crop for the upcoming season, while also appreciating how the coaches have evolved over the past year.
Every NFL coach’s real job based on their 2026 group photo
The alternate reality we need for the NFL’s head coaches.
Today we’re wading through sea of khakis, polo shirts, and forced smiles to make knee-jerk determinations of what every NFL coach’s alternate job would be if they weren’t coaching football. If you want to see last year’s photo breakdown you can find it here.
From left to right, back row first:
Liam Coen (Jaguars): Divorced father. Recently left his middle-management job to “try acting” because “I can do it as well as Ryan Gosling, I think.”
Mike McCarthy (Steelers): Desperately trying to run his family’s long successful bologna business. Refers to himself as “The Bologna King of Pennsylvania”
Dave Canales (Panthers): Tennis coach at the country club. Rumor has it that he’s slept with half of his clients.
Kellen Moore (Saints): Chipboard procurement director for presentational posters. Has a plaque on his wall that reads “I make the ideas happen.”
DeMeco Ryans (Texans): Personal trainer who has branched into the realm of life coach, because there’s less work and more suckers.
Shane Steichen (Colts): Human scarecrow who stands in a cornfield 12 hours a day.
Kevin O’Connell (Vikings): Office manager who wants to be friends with everyone. Has a current streak of 67 weeks asking if people “want to go out for drinks?” with no accepted offers.
Todd Bowles (Buccaneers): Middle school P.E. coach who has lost all motivation.
Dan Campbell (Lions): Tells everyone he’s in “financial management,” but secretly means “treasurer for a motorcycle gang.
Brian Schottenheimer (Cowboys): Still trying to get on Shark Tank to show off his invention that will change the world. The problem is that it’s just a “fart alarm.”
Zac Taylor (Bengals): Groundskeeper at a golf course. He’s more proud of his greens than his children.
Andy Reid (Chiefs): Spent his retirement money on an unsuccessful sports bar and just had his meat vendor cut off delivery due to lack of payment.
Kyle Shanahan (49ers): Passionate urologist who speaks about catheters way too much during dinner parties.
Robert Saleh (Titans): Owns a boxing gym that has been cited for having four MRSA outbreaks in the last calendar year.
Dan Quinn (Commanders): Character actor last seen as “dead body no. 4” in CBS’ Marshals
Nick Sirianni (Eagles): Club owner who is known to deal coke on the side.
Aaron Glenn (Jets): Mediocre pitmaster who owns the most popular BBQ restaurant in Brooklyn that New Yorkers say “has the best BBQ in the world.” It doesn’t.
Jesse Minter (Ravens): Wholesome stay-at-home dad who has a killer recipe for Snickerdoodles that he’ll gladly share.
Jeff Hafley (Dolphins): Nobody is really sure. The skills on his resume show no work experience, with “close up magic” and “illusions” listed as his skills.
Mike Vrabel (Patriots): USDA shellfish quality control officer for the Northeast region. Absolutely loves the novelty pin that reads “clam inspector,” which he received for Christmas.
Sean Payton (Broncos): Bass player in the deeply unpopular Nickelback coverband “Remind Me”
Mike Macdonald (Seahawks): Owner of a pinball museum that sees 15 daily customers, on a good day.
John Harbaugh (Giants): The best damn paint department manager in Home Depot history.
Jim Harbaugh (Chargers): CEO of a compression sock company. Has spent more days “networking” than in the office in 2026.
Matt LaFleur (Packers): Crypto day trader.
Mike LaFleur (Cardinals): Currently in his 19th year as a professional DJ trying to make it big. Just does weddings.
Joe Brady (Bills): Shrek-for-hire available for birthday parties and corporate events.
Kevin Stefanski (Falcons): Conspiracy-theory podcaster with a show predominantly focused on aliens and cryptids.
Ben Johnson (Bears): Says “I can’t tell you or I’ll have to kill you.” Is actually a nurse.
Klint Kubiak (Raiders): Unsuccessful professional gambler who owes an alarming amount of money to some very dangerous people.
Not pictured: Sean McVay (Rams), Todd Monken (Browns)
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