NFL Buffet, Week 16: Pro Football Is More American Than Apple Pie Covered In Whiskey

But of course everyone watched, anyway. Maybe it’s the Favre-effect, but ESPN scored a 10.8 rating for that awful, awful game—a 28 percent increase from last year’s ratings, and yet another example of America’s crippling addiction to football. No matter who’s playing, who’s announcing, what the score is or what else is on, if given the chance, Americans watch pro football.

Of the top 10 TV broadcasts in 2010, eight have been NFL games. In other words, if there’s something that “everyone’s watching” in America, there’s an 80 percent chance it’s pro football. I mean, everyone knows that people love the NFL, but the numbers are just surreal.

To put it in perspective, when I saw the numbers earlier this week, the first thing that came to mind were the statistics from 19th Century America, back when the average American drank between 4-5 gallons of liquor per year.

(Note: I’m not sure which is less comforting—to realize that number includes women and children and they might have been drinking just as much, or to concede they probably weren’t and imagine how much bigger the number would be among men.)

For the first thirty years of the 1800s, it sounds like America was pretty much in a constant state of drunkeness. We drank on the way to work, offices everywhere took a break at 11 a.m. to have a drink and you can only imagine the happy hours that ensued come 5:00. I mean, people even paid taxes with whiskey. It was a decades-long Don Draper bender (which sounds pretty awesome).

In a market saturated with entertainment options, ratings have been falling in practically every category. And yet, as the New York Times reported this week, the NFL’s numbers keep going up.

So, why?

Here are a few theories.

1. HDTV and New Cameras. The most obvious conclusion. No game looks better in HD than football. Hockey comes close, but really, football games have made it almost mandatory that a sports fan have access to an HDTV on Sundays. It’s just soooo much better. Try watching a game in standard def if you don’t believe me. It’s like watching a game through a rainy windshield.

And the camera work has gotten just as perfect as the HD technology. Sometimes when you’re watching college games there’ll be a close call and the announcers will show the replay and lament, “That’s the only angle we have.” This almost never happens in the NFL. There are cameras everywhere, and they catch just about everything.

In other words, football gives viewers the best pay-off for whatever fancy new TV they just bought, and when the games get close, the broadcasts always deliver the goods. We watch for a lot of reasons, obviously, but if you look at the last ten years and the coinciding ubiquity of HDTV and the NFL, well ... hard to call it a coincidence. But there’s also...

2. The Internet. This element doesn’t get nearly enough credit, probably because the NFL would rather not admit that gambling and fantasy football account for a gigantic piece of the sport’s appeal. But more than HDTV or parity or any other factor you hear mentioned, the internet has changed the way we watch football.

In 2010, it’s easier than ever to A) Bet on games B) Join or create fantasy football leagues and C) Monitor stats and projections for both of the previous habits. Businesses always talk about “Brand Engagement” and the NFL enjoys more engagement than just about any business on earth. Why? Because people love fantasy football, they love to gamble, and they love to waste endless hours between games researching their fantasy matchups and gambling picks. Hello, internet!

And it’s sort of self-explanatory from there, but yeah. If we spend this much time engaging ourselves with stats and lines every week, how can we not watch when the games arrive on Sundays?

3. Parity. This one’s tough, since I secretly think the NFL’s favorite buzzword has turned into ongoing parody, and what seems like spontaneity is actually schizophrenia, the product of league where all the inches matter, but not half as much as luck.

Then again, when DeSean Jackson’s punt return happens, I’m like, “Well okay! I’ll shut up now.”

Parity’s effect is simple: it brings in more fans. People that give pro football a chance on any given Sunday will generally come away having seen at least one memorable finish. Some may call it formulaic and repetitive and increasingly annoying, but those people are probably just frustrated by how impossible gambling has become. And by “those people,” I mean me.

4. Of Course America Loves Football. Say there was a sport where “team” trumps individual every time, the system is held above even the best teams, announcers openly feign indignation at showboating and/or laziness, the commissioner issues steep penalties to anyone who appears to deserve them and order always reigns over improvisation. If there was such a sport, I’m just sayin’ ... a large part of America would become obsessed on principle alone.

With that in mind, let’s get into a condensed version of this week’s buffet. Because let’s be honest, you’re going to watch no matter what game’s on...

Just want to warn you now, but rumors and sound bytes are coming out about Rex Ryan. He has a serious foot fetish.

I hate my job sometimes. But of course I wrote about it, anyway.

Vikings at Eagles (-14.5) ... There’s a running joke among writers about Yahoo! commenters being some of the most ignorant people on the internet. I enjoyed their work on this article, though.

Watch these games and like it. Because this is America, God damnit!