James Harrison wishes Roger Goodell a very happy Valentine’s Day

What follows is a small portion of the daily email correspondence between Roger Goodell and James Harrison.

SUBJECT: Happy V-Day Boss

Rog -

Hey, it’s me, James Harrison.

It’s been a busy time for both of us. I thought it would be good, on Valentine’s Day, to say what’s up? I know we’ve had our spats in the past, but I really think we can get past it. Every great duo in history has tension. That’s what makes us so darned cute.

Anyway, I just wanted to invite you to play on my dodgeball team and wish you a good one. I was going to send you a card, but I ate it. I also punched a dog on the way to the mailbox. It was looking at me all mean and stuff.

- JH

SUBJECT: From The Office Of The Commissioner
James:

Good to hear from you. Happy Valentine’s Day to you as well if you celebrate such things. I will not be playing on your dodgeball team. That dog punch is conduct detrimental to the league. That will be $15,000, please.

Sincerely yours,

Commissioner Goodell
NFL
@goodellplenty

SUBJECT: LOL

Raw Dog -

Appreciate the kind note. I am not in the National Football League anymore, so I don’t think it’s really gonna work out with that whole ‘fining thing.’ As star dodgeball thrower for the Ball Busters, I think our relationship is finally over. I will always remember you while listening to The Church’s “Under The Milky Way” and also while I am eating Chunky Soup.

Thnks fr the Mmrs

SUBJECT: From The Office Of The Commissioner
James:

I was recently named Commissioner of your dodgeball league. Please find attached a list of recent rule changes.

Best,

Commissioner Goodell
Western Pennsylvania Dodgeball Association
@goodellplenty

P.S. I suspect your check is in the mail.

SUBJECT: ROFL

Goody2Balls -

No.

SUBJECT: From The Office Of The Commissioner
James:

Consider this your official notice. Your repeated misconduct has been flagged by the Rules Committee. You are not allowed to aim for the head or target other players’ knees, you are not allowed to kick the mascot in the groin and children are not ‘throwable objects.’ You owe the league $375,003.19. I have CC’d the league’s financial department, and they will be happy to discuss a payment plan with you.

Regards,

Roger Goodell
Benevolent Dictator/Owner
Every Sport Ever
@goodellplenty

SUBJECT: ROFLWEAHP (Rolling On The Floor Laughing While Eating A Hot Pocket)
Rogell, Rochelle -

I still love you.

Opening this email just gave you a virus doe ;)