It’s important to remember that football’s just a game. Also a game? Scrabble. This week, Absurd Power Rankings gives you every NFL franchise based on how many points their name is worth in America’s favorite tile-based board game. (Sorry, Rummikub).
NFL teams ranked by Scrabble points
The Jacksonville Jaguars and San Francisco 49ers can really clean up as Scrabble tiles.
1. Jacksonville Jaguars. A whopping 43 points in Scrabble, easily the best and most valuable team in the NFL. If anything, this makes the win over Cleveland disappointing for not being more of a blowout.
2. San Francisco 49ers. 36 points, good enough for second place and front-runner position to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, where they will lose to the Jaguars.
3(tie). Kansas City Chiefs/Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Both worth 33 points in Scrabble, and if you're wondering if Tampa's scored 33 points in any game this season, the answer is no.
5(tie). Philadelphia Eagles/Washington Redacteds. 30 points, but before you get mad at me, Washington fans, please note that your unredacted team name would still be worth the same amount. See, nobody's trying to punish you.
7. Green Bay Packers. 29 points, but maybe you can start a petition to add three more Y's to the city's name.
8(tie). Arizona Cardinals/New York Jets. Each will get you 28 points in a Scrabble match, but if you're a Jets fan you'll still lose. Sorry. :/ :/ :/
10(tie). Minnesota Vikings/Cleveland Browns/Pittsburgh Steelers. Respectable Scrabble value of 26 points, though Zygi Wilf will still make taxpayers give him $780 million towards new letters.
13(tie). Seattle Seahawks/New England Patriots. Makes sense that the two most mediocre franchises in the league would be worth 25 points. (THAT'S A JOKE.) (DON'T LEAVE ANGRY COMMENTS ABOUT IT.) (DAMMIT YOU ALREADY DID DIDN'T YOU.)
15(tie). San Diego Chargers/New York Giants/Dallas Cowboys/Cincinnati Bengals. 24 points in Scrabble, which happens to be Eli's 4th favorite board game. The top three, in order: Hungry Hungry Hippos, Mouse Trap, Clue Jr.
19(tie). Carolina Panthers/Miami Dolphins/Houston Texans. Only worth 23 points, which probably means we should fire all of their coaches.
22(tie). Indianapolis Colts/Buffalo Bills/Chicago Bears/Baltimore Ravens. Ranked 22nd, worth 22 points. That's how you know the Absurd Power Rankings are legit.
26. Denver Broncos. 21 points, probably won't make the playoffs.
27. Oakland Raiders. 20 points, certainly won't make the playoffs.
28(tie). Atlanta Falcons/New Orleans Saints. Only get you 19 points in Scrabble, though I suspect a Scrabble game between a Falcons fan and a Saints fan ends with a bottle getting smashed over someone's head before every tile is used.
30. Tennessee Titans. 15 points, though it's worth noting that "Charlie Whitehurst" is worth a whopping 31.
31(tie). St. Louis Rams/Detroit Lions. 13 points puts them both at the bottom this week. Sorry, St. Louis. Beating Seattle's just not as valuable as having an X or a few P's.
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