The MMBM Week 5: Trade Tom Brady

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Just a word of warning: your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

To borrow a quote from Thomas Jefferson: “Reports of the reports of Tom Bradys demise were greatly exaggerated.”

Bill Belichick should trade Tom Brady right now. The Patriot Way is bigger then any one player whether it be a quarterback, or a TE who knows too much about triple-murders that might of actually been committed by the starting quarterback. Bradys stock is at a alltime high, but make no mistake about it,, hes done in New England. Belichick has to almost be touching himself at the thought of how many 4th round picks he could get for Brady, and if this move dosent have Dan Snyder written all over it then I guess I just dont know football.

Yesterday was a big day in the NFL with the last remaning undefeated team to win being trounced up in New England. Perhaps a even better, but lesser known traditon then the 1972 Dolphins popping champagne is the last remaining 2008 Detroit Lions players getting a extra piece of toast from the warden when the last un-undefeated team wins. This year the watch is on the Jaguars and the Raiders. The Jags will beat the Titans on Sunday, and the Raiders might win just enough games in a row for Tony Sparano to get the interim tag taken off, and then he’ll get fired in 2 years and replaced with Norv Turner, a traditon unlike any other.

By the way, I spent the weekend down in Texas learning about the unique perspective that the Loan Star state is bringing to the game of football. I ate fry foods, drank cheap beer and pretended it was good, and made a wide variety of football moves. After indlging in 6 dishes of deepfried fat at teh State Fair, I took a tour of owboy stadium and,, lets say, “used the facilitys” in some pretty exclusive areas. There will be a comprehensive coverage of my road trip coming later this week but for now lets just say that I hope Texas dosent have the death penalty for defacing a statue of a fraud quarterback outside his college stadium in Waco. (Note: they probably do)

Here are this weeks MMBM awards:

Tip of the cap to Russell for having the courage and bravery to step out of the shadows and admit that he too has been persecuted for being a bully. We have suffered in silents for too long with the new anti bully campaign. I was a bully too and I turned out just fine,, and I have had years of dealing with the shame that came a long with being a asshole to people. Now I feel like Im free to be me and be who I really am folks. Next up on my agenda- lets campaign to make it a crime to stand up to a bully.

You talk about a gamechanger. Ive worn alot of stuff in pools before- tennis shoes, socks, scro-guards, catheters, but Ive never worn a full jeans and sweatshirt combo. This look is known as the “Florida Cape Cod” and its perfect for the lady or gentleman on the go who wants to knock out attending a Jaguars game and doing a load of laundry all at one. The jeans in the pool say “Im going commando so you better bring the jaws of life to pull the inseam out later” but the sweatshirt literally says “Uncle Kraker world tour 2006.”

Lets talk about the logic behind putting essentially a great big walk-in toilet in Northern Florida to be exlusivley used by NFL fans during the worse health crises of the past 20 years. On one hand I can understand that a open-air petridish is actually the safest part of any stadium that currently has Ben Roethlisberger in it, but on the other Im skeptical of the glass front to the pool since when Im trying to peacefully aquadump in a public pool I dont need people and TV cameras snooping on me.

This weeks rating is: Hes a disgrace

It was a close one folks but to be Elite you have to beat the Elite. This game was decided by a razors edge and Lucks neck beat Flaccos eyebrows to send the Flaccometer deep into the red.

Flacco and Luck seem like the most boring twin brothers to go out with if your a girl. If two girls went out on a fancy blind date with those two theyd end up trying to commit suicide by swallowing the salad fork before the unlimited breadsticks even came out.

Flaccos performance was the worst hes had all season, and I can speak for all Baltimore fans when I say this is the worst pilramage to Indy that there team has ever made that didnt involve a Mayflower van.

1. The former Hennessey Titans Kenny Britt and Chris Johnson need to focus more on lighting up scoreboards then lighting up dutch masters. There combined team records are 2-7 which is the police code for udnerperforming on a free agent contract.

2. Every one in Dallas is sacred of diseases well theyve got the anitdote in Indy folks. Best immune system in the game right here,, I call him McAffee anti-virus. He broke out a outstanding celebration when he pretended to play golf after his punt. The only time your allowed to celebrate in football is if you do it by pretending to play a gentlemans sport like golf IMO.

3. Credit where credit is due: the NFL didnt have a single concusson this weekend so take your hat off to Roger Goodell for solving CTE.

3A. ”“Reports of the reports of Tom Bradys demise have been greatly exagerated” - Mark Twain” - Thomas Jefferson

4. Rolondo McLain is a NFL player again. It really tells you something that McClain is the only person in history who was to violent to live in Oakland and Baltimore you almost had to figure that he was on his way down to Juarez when Jerry Jones threw a few AK47s and strippers in front of him and asked him to think it over.

5. Thursday nights self-benching was the biggest disaster involving a Teddy “Bridgewater” since Chappequa folks (HT @DeepThreat)

6. I think Trent Dilfer is wrong,, sometimes you lose when you win, its called draft position and the NFL is a draft league

7. Andy Reid ate a Microsoft surface tablet.

You can tell its not a Apple because Andys never had a fruit that close to his stomach in his life folks.

8. Bill Belichick has a combover:

9. Tony Romo thinks Dallas fans need to be better ,, there too loud on offense, they arrive late and they leave before the games over. Romo added : if anyone heres not going to show up for the fourth quater its going to be me!

10. 49ers fans think there new stadium is too hot to sit in when the suns out its almost like theyve never heard of taking off there shirts. San Francisco fans should invent a ap that allows them to return to their seats before the end of the 3rd quater IMO.

11. Classy move on Eric Deckers part to sit this one out against the Chargers and save his roster spot for Danny Woodhead.

Sports’ Illustrated Doug Farar wants to know:

Thats a great queston Doug. Hes obvously referring to the fact that the league signed a deal with Bose so that players cant wear Beats By Dre in front of cameras anymore.

I think this band on wearing commercal head phones will actually have the least effect on guys like Colin Kaepernick who use to wear them under there helmets during games. Maybe now Colin Rap-or-pick can finally hear coaches playcalls instead of just hearing Aloe Black every time in the huddle. Actually its literally funny and coincidental that the rise of these newfangled offenses was timed perfectly with players weraing headphones and hearing the words “pistol” over and over again in their rap songs. Do the math it correlates perfectly.

This is a actual food that you may of heard of that is being consumed all over our penal system. Its actually quite delicous. (Photo via art15.com)

I had a roomate a couple years back who did a little time for some blue-collar crimes when there was a misunderstanding about whose credit card he was using and which car he broke into to take it out of, just a common misstake. Anyways he was in there for almost a year and its amzing how he learn more in nine months in jail then you do on “the outside” for pretty much all your life. The best thing he brought back was some thing called a “jail burrito” and its a delicous treat for Monday Night Football. Heres how you make it:

Ingredeints:

1 pack of Ramen noodeles (chicken or any thing but the seafood flavor)

1 pack of Andy Capp hot fries. Andy Capp did more to stop domestic violents then any NFL commissioner to date. His suggestion was to just get so drunk that you arent physcialy able to hit anyone. A pound of preventon is worth a ounce of cure folks.

1 bigsize bag of doritos fiery chips

1 water.

Basicly your going to put all of your ingredients into a bowl except for the water and crunch them up in to little crumbs. Then put them into the bottom of the Doritos bag. Microwave your water for about 3 minutes and then pour it into the doritos bag. Add Ramen seasoning. Your going to then put the bag on a hand towel and roll the bag up from the top down so you create a airtight log of crumble up salted carbs that is in the shape of a burrito. Then put it in “the oven” which is basically under a matress or between two couch cushions for about 10 minutes. When you take it out you should have a log of salted treat that is the perfect additon to any football watching party. Plus its paleo as hell so your crossfit guests should be very thankful.

What a great early game matchup folks. The most storied matchup in all of sports. I call this game “The 700 club” because your a idiot to pay any money to watch it and the only people tuning in are from Nashville and North Florida.

How come the FCC isnt forcing Charlie Whitehurst to change his name even though its a dictionary-defined term for a bad quarterback? Goes both ways.